


Howell with a Trowel

by philsdrill



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: A little angst, Agender, Agender Character, Agender Dan Howell, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Blood, Body Dysphoria, Corgi, Dan Howell - Freeform, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Dysphoria, Gardener - Freeform, Gardener Dan Howell, Gardening, Gardens & Gardening, Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, M/M, Minor Injuries, Non-binary character, Nonbinary Character, Phan - Freeform, Phan AU, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Smut, a little smut, body issues, danielhowell - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform, gender stereotypes, mild depression, phanfic, phil has a corgi, references to past suicidal thoughts - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-06-12 15:31:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 38,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15342876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philsdrill/pseuds/philsdrill
Summary: Dan, known professionally as ‘Howell with a Trowel’, is an agender gardener who identifies more with plants than other people. Phil starts out as a regular passerby, until an intervention from his dog gets them talking. Dan talks in plant metaphors, which slowly  becomes something that Phil can’t get enough of.





	1. Howell with a Trowel

**Author's Note:**

> New fic - hope you enjoy!  
> Thank you to Katie [@knlalla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/knlalla/pseuds/knlalla) and Rose [@moon-boye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_sky_full_of_roses/pseuds/moon-boye) for doing an amazing job at betaing this for me!

Meet Dan.  _ Howell with a Trowel _ . A gardener in a small suburb town full of wealthy old people. Once a struggling youth, they’d now found their place in the community. Dan had always loved plants, looking after them, weeding borders, trimming hedges, cutting grass. Plants weren’t judgemental, they didn’t care how you identified. Plants used the same pronouns that Dan now did. Plants were Dan’s best friends, where they felt most at home.

As a child, Dan had gone by a different name, one they had since shortened to find something more comfortable. Dan’s family didn’t exactly understand the change; they couldn’t see why their ‘daughter’ had chopped the last five letters off ‘her’ name and wanted to be referred to as ‘they’. Dan didn’t understand why it was so hard for them, so from that point on, they had immersed themself in gardening.

Their love for gardening had developed as a child, where school competitions to grow the best hyacinth and the tallest sunflower had left Dan with green fingers. When Dan’s brother was too lazy to go and help their dad with the gardening, Dan would pipe up that they would love to help. Parents generally won’t refuse assistance from their children, so Dan was allowed to help with the gardening, but they couldn’t help but find it weird how their ‘daughter’ loved to get all muddy ‘like a boy’.

Like any young teenager, Dan felt the peer pressure to blend in with their assigned gender. They wore the school skirts, kept their hair long, and hung out with the girls. Dan got by like that for years, but eventually, trying to be someone they weren’t got tiring and took a serious toll on their mental health. They took a few steps towards being something they were more comfortable with by cutting their hair short and wearing trousers to school because they could. It wasn’t the socially acceptable norm, but Dan was slowly discovering that being different wasn’t so bad after all.

\--

When Dan started the gardening business, they had toyed with different names for it. Gardener Dan? Howell’s Hedges and More? Hedges and Mower? It had taken a while for them to settle on something that encompassed all of the types of gardening they would do. ‘Howell with a Trowel’ was simple, it rhymed, and didn’t put them in the pile of people who only did lawn-mowing or hedges. It was unique, just like them.

It took time for Dan to gain customers, but they started with offering services to people they knew, hoping that they might pass on a recommendation to someone else. They had leaflets explaining their variety of gardening services which they both passed out to people they knew and put through the doors in the local area.

Dan now had regular customers, including a man whose hedges they clipped every other week. Dan didn't feel that the hedges needed much upkeep, but he paid them for it, so they did their best work and happily accepted the money. On Mondays, Dan worked for Sheila, a wealthy old lady with a big garden she couldn't handle on her own. Here, Dan did all the jobs: they cut grass, trimmed hedges, plucked weeds from the flowerbeds, deadheaded plants that were finished flowering and even planted out new purchases. This was one of their favourite jobs; being completely in charge of this garden gave them a sense of control in their life. Control was something that they struggled with, having a gender outside of the binary which took a lot of hard work to express.

Sheila’s garden also brought with it a sense of familiarity; having been gardening there almost every Monday for the past two years, it felt like a second home to Dan. Some of the plants they'd watched grow from little seedlings into fully-fledged plants. There'd been some sadness too, along the way; plants didn't last forever and every year Dan would have to uproot a few and lovingly lay them to rest in the compost heap. Dan did their best to keep the lifelines alive, to take cuttings and seeds and grow the plant's children to take over from them.

This woman's house sat by a main road in a quieter area of town; a lot of people walked by and they would often admire the flowerbed running alongside the pavement. This was the part of the garden Dan took most pride in; many people would see it, so it had to make a good impression. As they worked on this flowerbed, Dan saw many of the passers by, and over the time they’d been working there, they'd learnt to recognise the regulars as such. 

\--

Early June was a big time for gardening; the grass just wouldn’t stop growing. So many of the plants were in flower, but there was still deadheading of ones that had finished. The days were getting longer and so were Dan’s fingernails, mud caked beneath them. There was something about that caked mud, the baggy green fleece, the worn boots, that  _ 'I've been gardening' _ look, that made them feel that little bit more masculine, that little bit more valid.

Dan knew that doing manual work like this had changed their hands, changed their body. Their hands were tough from using spades, pushing wheelbarrows, moving wood. Their shoulders were broad from pushing lawn mowers, from reaching up with hedge-trimmers or loppers to trim those monstrous hedges. It could've just been their body changing over time, but Dan liked to think their love for gardening had something to do with it.

Today, Dan had already cut Sheila's grass and they were now knelt on their mat by their favourite flowerbed. Dan was rapidly filling the bucket with trimmings and weeds; it was funny how they shot up so quickly. Dan was pulling a rogue birch tree seedling from between the second crocosmia and the third lupin when a dog jumped into the flowerbed, landing between their hand and the offending weed. Startled, Dan jumped a little, but they recognised the little fluffball. This dog came by every Monday, but where was its owner?

"Thor, no. THOR!" A voice shouted from somewhere above Dan, a pair of hands descending into their field of vision to pick up the dog, "Here, boy.” 

At that, Dan looked up from the hands to a pair of arms, and up to a black-haired man, who they also recognised. These two walked past every Monday and Dan remembered noticing how adorable they both were; dogs were usually cute, but the same couldn’t always be said for their owners.

“I’m so sorry," the man spoke again, "Thor gets a little excited meeting new people. That’s a nice lupin you’ve got there, by the way.”

"It's fine, I like dogs," Dan chuckled, giving Thor a little pat, encouraging Phil to let him stay in the flowerbed. "Anyway, I’m just the gardener, but lupins are one of my favourites. I planted this one last year, grew it from the seed of the one that used to be here. This crocosmia’s nice too, when it comes into flower. There's something about colourful plants, they brighten up my life when nothing else does.”

Dan, having appreciated the man’s compliment on the lupin, decided to talk a little about the garden; they would take any opportunity to ramble about plants. If this guy knew about the lupin, then maybe he cared about gardening? Dan could be hopeful; they could do with some more understanding people in their life.

“This whole garden's lovely," the man commented, leaving Thor in Dan’s hands and standing back up. "I always admire it when Thor and I pass. I’m a bit of a plant fanatic too. I don’t know much about gardening, but I have lots of houseplants. I live alone - well, with Thor - and it livens up the place to have some other living things about.”

At this point, Dan noticed the corgi weeing in the potentilla, but they didn't say anything. This man was too cute and they didn't want to scare him away, and honestly, the potentilla wouldn't mind.

“Thank you,” Dan smiled, appreciating the compliment on the garden. “I guess I feel like gardens are somewhere I can be myself. Plants don’t judge me.”

Now that Thor was done with his wee, he padded across the flowerbed back to Dan's hand, which was still hovering where they’d last pet the dog. Thor wiggled up into their palm, clearly seeking a neck scratch. Dan obliged, rubbing his fingers into the dog’s neck, chuckling softly. As much as they loved plants, this dog had definitely made their day an extra bit brighter.

“So Thor, ay? Odd name for a cute little fluffball like this guy?” Dan said, a little puzzled at the man's choice of name for a soft, harmless little dog.

“I know he doesn’t exactly look like a Thor, apart from the hair maybe, but he’s brave,” the dark-haired man explained, "And he's super friendly. Movie Thor was a big softie at heart."

Laughing, Dan replied, "So what’s your name? You wouldn't strike me as a Thor either, but I won’t judge.”

“Phil," the man said, "Technically Philip, but I think Phil is more me."

Dan, knowing all about 'technically' names, chose to ignore the fact this man was legally Philip and went with his preferred Phil. Looking up at him and taking in his messy black quiff, curious blue-ish eyes, and slender fingers that they could picture lifting the tiniest of seeds, Dan nodded, "Phil does suit you."

"Thor suits his personality," Phil retaliated to Dan’s teasing, his voice slightly whiny as he nodded to the corgi, who was now nuzzling his nose into the soil.

"Sure," Dan laughed sarcastically, still unconvinced.

\--

Phil probably wouldn't have interacted with the gardener at the roadside had Thor not literally led him there. He was a little puzzled by the person in front of him; he couldn't distinguish whether it was a lady or man he was talking to. Their voice was somewhere in between the stereotypes, their clothes were masculine, but their features seemed a little feminine. Phil thought about it for a few moments but realised that, at the end of the day, it didn't really matter.

“So, what’s your name?” Phil asked, feeling this was the appropriate moment to ask. He wanted to have something to call this person, and even though a name wouldn’t tell him their gender, it would ease the confusion in his mind.

"Dan. Dan Howell," the gardener said, then pointed to the van parked in the driveway. "Howell with a Trowel."

“Love it,” Phil nodded, chuckling, “Your company name, I mean. I love a good pun… or in this case it’s more of a rhyme… makes life more exciting!"

Although the name Dan was often a ‘male’ name, Phil knew that he still couldn’t make any presumptions. Dan was a gardener and more importantly, a human being. Phil would've loved to talk to Dan for a while longer, but he knew he really should let them get on with their work. Plus, Thor was tugging on his lead now, wanting to continue their walk.

Phil and Thor moved on, leaving behind Dan and their 'Howell with a Trowel' van. Phil knew he'd be looking out for Dan every time he passed that house now. He’d enjoyed talking to them and left feeling very intrigued, wanting to know more about this person, about their love for gardening and the deep connection they felt with plants. 


	2. He Who Brightens up My Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy chapter 2! I’m planning to post every 7-10 days, which seems like a decent schedule as I’m already writing chapter 6. Thank you so much to Katie @knlalla for betaing this for me!

Phil, from that day on, would look out for Dan every time he passed that garden on his walk with Thor. Previously, that had been their route only most of the time, but nowadays, Phil would make sure they went that way every Monday. He'd stop off to talk to Dan if he saw them, but there were times where their van was around but they weren't.

One day in mid July, when Phil was feeling thoughtful, he was walking around with his head in the clouds and not really thinking about where he was. He didn't immediately spot Dan weeding that flowerbed, but Thor did. He tugged on his lead, pulling Phil over to the side of the pavement where he eventually realised that Thor was trying to show him something, or rather, someone.

When Phil looked up, there was Dan, their fingers depositing a weed in the weed bucket and smiling up at Phil, “Hi Phil… and Thor!”

“You sound more excited to see him than me!?” Phil said, faking offence, then laughing.

“I mean, you’re both cute, but he’s fluffy and soft and seems to be begging for my attention,” Dan chuckled, running their hand over the corgi’s back, softly rubbing their fingers into the back of Thor’s neck.

Phil was a little surprised at Dan calling them both cute, but he managed to continue the conversation without stalling too much; he could continue that thought later.

“I’m afraid I’m not one for rolling around in a flowerbed for attention,” Phil joked, watching as Thor rolled over to let Dan scratch his tummy.

“You need to win my affection before you can get a belly rub,” Dan laughed, “Not to mention, you’d probably crush the dahlia.”

“And Thor’s won your affection already?” Phil teased, watching Dan interact with the dog like they’d known each other for months.

“He’s a cute little doggo,” Dan nodded, “Won me over with his slobbery kisses and adorable personality.”

“He is an adorable little guy,” Phil agreed, joining in with giving Thor a belly rub, his hand brushing against Dan’s slightly in the process.

“Mmm thanks for brightening up my day,” Dan commented, “Like, this dahlia’s doing its best, but I needed something more. It’s a stunning plant, with these brilliant yellow flowers against the dark leaves. I relate to it a lot: kind of depressing in the main, but has their bright spots.”

“It’s pretty,” Phil agreed, “What variety is it? I have a dahlia I think, but mine looks nothing like it.”

“It’s a ‘mystic illusion’,” Dan told Phil, “Pretty cool name; it suits it… Unlike Thor.”

“Heyy,” Phil said, mocking offence. “Thor suits his name just fine.”

Dan laughed, a short, almost fake sounding laugh, their face falling too quickly for it to be believable.

“Did you say you were having a bad day?” Phil asked, changing his previously teasing tone to something softer.

“Yeah, a bit; like the weather’s nice, but the day hasn’t been good to me,” Dan nodded, looking a little glum. “I think I pulled a muscle while cutting the leylandii hedge, so my shoulder hurts.”

“And you’re continuing? Did you take a painkiller or something?” Phil questioned, a bit worried.

“Yeah, I kind of have to continue. I have a reputation to keep up and don’t want to leave a job half done,” Dan explained. “As for painkillers, it turns out that's the one thing my first aid kit in the van doesn’t have.”

“That’s so annoying,” Phil agreed. “Look, Thor and I walk up into the town centre; I can go into Boots and get you some ibuprofen?”

“You don’t have to,” Dan said, sounding like they were trying to be polite.

“I’m going to,” Phil said firmly, “I’m passing anyway and I want to help you.”

Dan didn’t protest, which Phil took as a sign they really did need the pain relief. He gently tugged Thor away from the flowerbed, ready to head off on their way again. He would’ve usually hung around a bit longer, but today they’d be coming back this way too. They could hang around on the way back, once Dan had some pain relief.

Phil and Thor walked into the town, where they would usually just carry on past all the shops. Today, Phil tied Thor’s lead to a post, gave him a firm instruction to  _stay_ , and headed into the pharmacy. One generic packet of ibuprofen didn’t even put him back forty pence, so he was soon on his way again, the packet of painkillers tucked away in his coat pocket where he kept spare dog poo bags.

Thor clearly knew where they were headed because he was tugging on the leash a little, not being a very good boy. Phil kept having to order him back to  _heel_ , keeping a firm grip on the lead so that he couldn’t break free. While Thor’s excitement to see Dan again was very apparent, Phil was keeping his own eagerness contained. As much as he enjoyed seeing Dan, he was able to control his excitement - not feeling the need to run to Dan, to lick their hands and ‘woof’ excitedly, or to wag his non-existent tail. Instead, he just let a smile find his face, let himself be happy.

Dan welcomed Phil and Thor’s return, meeting them in the driveway. Phil handed Dan the painkillers, which they accepted gratefully, squeezing Phil’s arm slightly, “Thank you so much.”

Dan opened the door of their van and pulled out a bottle of water, first checking the packet and then taking the maximum dose. There were a few moments silence while they swallowed the pills, but soon they were chatting again, thanking Phil once more for the painkillers and reaching down to pet Thor. He lapped up the attention while he got it, but Dan’s shoulder pain had them standing upright again, so the attention turned back to Phil.

\--

Over the few weeks that they’d spoken off and on, Dan had realised that them and Phil had a lot in common. Each time they saw each other, the conversation would continue like they’d never parted. Dan was starting to consider Phil a friend, which was strange for them, not having many friends or people they felt accepted them.

Dan still wasn’t exactly out to Phil, but they knew their gender could be confusing to others. They had female features, yes, but their presentation was more masculine. Dan never quite knew how people saw them; it was something they tried their best not to think about, but it was inevitable with meeting new people.

Although Phil’s presence had brightened their day, when he and and Thor left, Dan felt a little sad, despite being almost certain they’d see the two again next Monday. The rest of Dan’s week now felt a little lonely; Mondays were the best because that’s when they got to see Phil.


	3. I'm a Mystic Illusion, My Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy chapter 3! Tysm to Katie [@knlalla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/knlalla/) for betaing it!

Any good dog owner takes their dog out for some exercise, rain or shine, and Phil was no exception. Thor didn’t mind the rain too much; he’d just shake it off all over Phil’s floor when they got home. Phil would wear a coat, maybe take an umbrella. He didn’t enjoy the rain as much as Thor, but being out in the bad weather certainly felt like he was doing something badass, almost mysterious.

Phil never expected to find Dan gardening on such a rainy Monday. He had always presumed it to be a weather-dependant activity, but here Dan was, dressed fully in waterproofs, still working on the garden.

“Dan!?” Phil greeted them, surprised. “You still work when its raining!?”

“Yeah, well I can’t cut the grass, but there’s other things needing done,” Dan explained. “I won’t be working so many hours so I’ll charge less, but this is the one job I do my best not to cancel on.”

“You’re so wet; are you sure this is a good idea?” Phil asked, concerned.

“I’ll be fine,” Dan insisted, a contradictory cold shiver wracking its way through their body.

“You look freezing,” Phil told them. “At least make sure you have a hot shower when you get home.”

“Yes mum,” Dan said, sounding slightly irritable, their eyebrows forming into a frown.

Phil tried to warm Dan’s heart a little, talking to him for a while and letting him play with a soggy Thor. Phil didn’t stay as long as he usually would, but he had a reason for that. Phil planned to buy both himself and Dan a hot chocolate in the town, then return to the garden to give Dan one, and maybe drink them together.

Phil and Thor made their way to the town centre where Phil tied Thor up under a tree, hoping it would give him a little bit of shelter. He felt bad for leaving his dog like that, but he’d give Thor a treat to make up for it later, once they were home. He stepped into the cafe and took his place in the queue behind the person already at the counter. When they were finished with their transaction, Phil stepped forward, ordering two regular hot chocolates to take away. Whilst he would sometimes indulge in cream and marshmallows, they always got stuck in the lid of takeaway cups, so he went for the perfectly good standard hot chocolate.

When Phil finally had a carrier tray of two hot chocolates in his hand, he stepped back out into the rain. He quickly set about untying Thor, slipping the leash onto the same hand as he held his umbrella, not wanting to risk spilling the hot chocolates.

Doubling back to see Dan again was a change from Phil and Thor’s usual route, but with today’s weather, taking Dan a hot chocolate seemed like a necessity. He fed Thor a treat, and the two of them headed off, hurrying through the rain, Phil somehow managing to juggle the Thor’s lead, the umbrella and the hot chocolate.

Dan hadn’t got that far when Phil returned; they were a little further along the front flowerbed, but as they pulled a weed, Phil could see their hands shaking. The rain was running off Dan’s hood and dripping on their face, small rivulets of water trickling down like tears.

“Dan,” Phil said, announcing his presence, “I brought you hot chocolate.”

“You what?” Dan said, looking up in surprise, “For me?”

“Yes, for you,” Phil nodded, smiling and holding out one of the cups to Dan. “Take a break for a minute and drink it, okay? You look freezing.”

“Thank you,” Dan smiled, taking the hot chocolate, “Thank you so much.”

Dan wrapped both their hands around the hot chocolate and tentatively took a sip. After determining it was a perfectly drinkable temperature, they took another, bigger sip, their smile growing with the realisation of how nice a hot chocolate this was.

“It’s good,” Dan smiled at Phil, “Really good. Thank you!”

“It’s fine, honestly,” Phil smiled, “I was thinking about getting one myself, then when I saw you shivering by the rhododendron, I knew I needed to make it two.”

“What do I owe you?” Dan asked, looking up at Phil with wide eyes wide, their voice a little quiet and unsure.

“Nothing,” Phil said, slightly shocked, smiling down at Dan. “It’s on me, a present.”

“Thank you,” Dan said, brushing some water away from under their eye, “Uhh, d’you want to come sit in my van for bit while we drink these?”

“That would be nice,” Phil said, happy for an excuse to get out of the rain.

Dan got themself up and started to head along towards their van, Phil following on the pavement side of the flowerbed. They met at the driveway, where Dan’s van was parked. Dan opened the passenger door for Phil and hurried him and Thor inside before getting in their own side.

The dryness of the van was quite a relief from the steady pelting rain outside. Both Dan and Phil fell quiet for a moment, listening to the rain drumming on the van’s metal roof, sipping on their hot chocolates. The peace would never last though, not with Thor around - who, after a few moments in the dry, decided it was time to shake all the drips off. He had a lesser amount of fur to shake out than some dogs, but still, he managed to cover Dan and Phil with lots of little droplets of water.

“Thor,” Phil scolded, blinking some water out of his eye, “No.”

Dan, brushing some wet dog spray from their own face, laughed at Phil’s attempt to tell Thor off, “It’s okay; my van is full of mud anyway.”

“Ahh still, I’m sorry for him contributing it,” Phil apologised, glancing at Thor with another look of disapproval.

“Honestly, it’s fine. It makes the van feel loved; he’s the first dog friend I’ve had in here…” Dan insisted, a sheepish smile forming as they continued, “And you’re the first human friend, as it happens.”

Phil felt honoured to be classed as a friend, and even more so to be the first friend in Dan’s van. He watched Dan take another sip of their hot chocolate, still shivering slightly, but looking like they had a little colour in their face now. Phil too was feeling warmed by the drink, and now also by Dan’s van. The conversation moved on from Thor’s shaking habits and the cleanliness of the van to other things.

They found it pretty easy to talk to each other, both having similar interests in video games and in music. Even their schedules aligned to some extent: Phil worked from Tuesday to Saturday and Dan from Monday to Friday, and their hours were more or less the same. This interested Phil; he enjoyed Dan’s company and wondered if they’d be able to get together sometime, outside of Dan’s work.

–

Dan, realising that they were slowly letting Phil into their life, made the decision that it would be wise to open up about their gender identity, at least a little. Dan knew that their gender presentation was confusing to others and it was something they felt they could tell Phil, this amazingly kind man with an adorable corgi.

“You’re probably wondering about me,” Dan started slowly, a little hesitant about how to have this conversation, as it wasn’t one they’d ever had with someone they’d just met.

“About?” Phil asked, not sure what Dan was going to tell him.

“About like my gender and stuff?” Dan said quietly, words almost blending into the steady thrumming of the rain. “People either take me for a lesbian, or a prepubescent boy, or sometimes they’re just confused?”

“I’m in the confused category, I guess, but, like, it doesn’t exactly matter to me,” Phil said. “You seem a pretty cool person.”

“Thanks,” Dan laughed. “That’s what I like to hear. To be honest. I… I’d rather not have a gender, like I don’t feel like a man or a woman, if you get what I mean?”

Phil looked curious so Dan continued with his explanation, “You know about transgender people, right? I’m kind of like that in a way; I feel some of the same dislike of my body. I was assigned female at birth, but that’s not me. In some ways, I’d like to be more like a man. I’d love to be flat chested, I’d like to have a deeper voice, but there’s other aspects I wouldn’t like.”

“Do you have a word for how you identify?” Phil asked, knowing a lot of LGBTQ+ terminology but not wanting to put Dan under the wrong one.

“Agender,” Dan smiled, his voice now soft and steady. “I’m an agender gardener who identifies more strongly with plants than most people. I’m a mystic illusion, my friend, but sometimes being different is a good thing.”

“It is,” Phil nodded, “I could tell you were different when I first spoke to you, but that intrigued me more than anything.”

“I’m glad,” Dan smiled, relaxing into the seat a little. “And you intrigue me too. Like what do you do for a living? If you don’t mind me asking? I don’t think that’s something you’ve spoken about?”

“I’m a video editor; I work for a company but the work is kind of flexible, letting me work at home some of the time,” Phil explained. “I’m usually in the office Tuesday through Friday, but it depends on the job… and Saturdays I work from home.”

“That’s pretty cool,” Dan said, “So d’you make films or adverts or music videos or what?”

“Other companies pay us to make promotional stuff, and yeah sometimes we work with smaller musicians to produce music videos,” Phil explained, gesticulating as he tried to give Dan a gist of what he did. “I try to make short films as a hobby, but they’re nothing special.”

“So with being agender, do you go by ‘they’?” Phil asked, returning the conversation to the topic of Dan’s gender as he thought of this question. “I’d like to get this right.”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Like, I won’t get too offended if people call me ‘she’ or ‘he’ because I’m used to it, but they/them/their are the only pronouns that feel right.”

“Okay,” Phil said smiling, “I think I can manage that. I’m not exactly used to it, but I’ll do my absolute best.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Dan laughed, “But thank you!”

As the two finished off their hot chocolates, the conversation slowly died down, the thoughts of returning to the outdoors suddenly taking over.

“I’d better get back to work,” Dan said, a little sadly, placing their cup in a cup holder by the gear stick.

“How long are you gonna be stuck out in this for?” Phil asked, concerned. “When do you finish work?”

“I do nine to twelve and two to four usually,” Dan explained, “But today I’m just going to work hard up to lunch time and then call it a day; I think the weather’s to get worse later.”

“Well, I’ll see you next week probably, but look after yourself, yeah? You’ll have a hot shower or something when you get home, right?” Phil said, genuinely concerned about Dan staying out in this weather, even if only for another hour or two.

“I will,” Dan smiled, “I’ll probably have a hot bath and some soup and then stay in for the afternoon doing my finances. And yes, I’ll be here next week if you want to drop by.”

“I’ll be walking Thor, as always,” Phil nodded. “Will you be free after work next Monday? I was wondering if you wanted to go for coffee sometime?”

“Next Monday? Yeah, I will be,” Dan smiled, “Sounds good.”

“Great,” Phil smiled, “We’ll I’ll see you next Monday morning when I walk Thor; we can confirm the details then.”

With that, the two humans and their four-legged friend prepared to step back out into the rain and get on with their lives. The van had provided a warm, comfortable environment for them to enjoy their hot drinks, but that goodness had to come to an end. They would see each other again soon; like a flower which blooms again, the joy of being together would return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be in about 7-10 days!


	4. Let Me Water That Growing Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy chapter 4! Thank you so much to [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing this for me.

The next Monday came around quickly and Phil was full of both nerves and excitement for his little coffee date with Dan. He’d asked Dan to coffee with the idea of it being a date, but he was yet to distinguish whether Dan felt the same way.

Phil started off with his usual Monday routine: getting up, having breakfast, then taking Thor for a walk. Phil had a feeling it was going to be a good day; his houseplants looked healthy and Thor was wagging his tail excitedly.

Phil clipped the leash to Thor’s collar and they set off, taking their usual route past the garden where Dan worked. Dan would usually be working on the flowerbed at the time Phil passed, but today, they were trimming a bush next to the driveway.

There were a few moments before Phil reached Dan where he was able to take in their appearance. Dan was dressed for the weather today-  shining sun and a hot, sticky climate - they wore a t-shirt instead of their usual coat or fleece. Sweat had the t-shirt clinging to their body, giving Phil more of an idea of their figure. He knew Dan had issues with their body, so he simply noticed this and didn’t linger on the thought.

“Dan,” Phil greeted them with a smile, holding Thor back until he’d greeted them. “How’re you?”

“I’m good,” Dan smiled, setting down his shears. “This heat isn’t the best though. The plants are getting a bit roasted, and so am I, to be honest.”

“Mmm that’s annoying; are you having to do a lot of watering?” Phil asked, now slackening Thor’s lead slightly and letting the dog nuzzle into Dan’s shins.

“Yeah, like I’m doing a lot of watering while I can, but there’s only so much I can do,” Dan explained, bending over to pet Thor’s forehead. “I’ve spoken to Sheila and organised that I’ll come over and water later in the week, but at some of the other gardens, they’re going to be going thirsty for a week.”

Phil grinned as he watched Dan play with Thor for a moment, before they stood up straight again to get Phil’s response.

“And have you got enough to drink?” Phil asked, feeling concern for Dan as well as the plants.

“Yeah, I’ve got water in the van,” Dan nodded. “Like, it’ll be getting warm, but I need to stay hydrated when I’m out here.”

“Are you still good for getting coffee after work?” Phil asked, feeling his cheeks heat up slightly with the weight of the question.

“Yes, yes, of course,” Dan said excitedly. “What time were you thinking?”

“When suits you?” Phil asked. “I’m guessing you might want to go home and shower first?”

“Yeah, I will,” Dan nodded, looking thoughtful for a moment. “Five? I finish at four, so that’ll be plenty time for me to get freshened up.”

“Okay great,” Phil smiled, moving on to discuss exactly which local coffee shop they were going to visit.

Once the location had been decided upon, Phil wanted to ask another pressing question,  “Now, could we swap numbers just in case there’s any change in plans?”

“Oh yeah, of course,” Dan rushed, reaching into their pocket and handing Phil their phone.

Phil handed Dan his own phone as he took Dan’s, an iPhone dressed in a rather rugged case. It was a bit dusty, probably from the dry weather and the dirt Dan was working in. He brushed off the screen and added his own number into their contacts.

The two of them swapped their phones back, Phil getting a blade of grass along with his. Dan noticed at the same time as he did, apologising profusely and swiping the stray blade of grass off of Phil’s screen, “I’m so sorry; mud and grass kinda come with the job.”

“It’s fine,” Phil laughed. “I’m no better; my phone always gets sticky with sugary things… And I’m clumsy; I should probably get a case like yours.”

“It kind of goes with the job too,” Dan explained. “I smashed my previous phone because it fell out my pocket when I was up a ladder cutting a tall hedge. Number one reason not to own womens trousers: the pockets are shit.”

Phil struggled not to giggle at the pouty frown on Dan’s face, who chose to express their annoyance through a rather amusing facial expression.

“You’ve at least got a good story for smashing your phone,” Phil pointed out. “I sat on mine once and it cracked. Well, rather, I bashed my shin on the coffee table, fell on my bum and sat on it.”

“Really!?” Dan laughed, “Okay, you must be clumsy!”

“I’m sure you’ll witness one of my disasters soon enough,” Phil commented. “I’ll do my best not to spill coffee on you later, but like, no guarantees.”

“Oh god, what have I got myself into?” Dan chuckled, their tone sarcastic. “Honestly, though, I’m looking forward to this. I don’t get out much.”

“Me too,” Phil grinned. “I’ll be able to talk to you without keeping you off your work for a change. I’d better be going, but I’ll see you at five!”

It was another five minutes before Phil actually left because, when you hit off with someone, it’s near impossible to end a conversation. If Dan didn’t have work to get on with, Phil could’ve stayed for hours.

\--

Phil headed home and tried to go about the rest of his Monday, but  how was he supposed to get on with his daily activities when he had a date with a cute person fast approaching? That was a question Phil had no idea how to answer.

Around three o’clock, Phil made the decision to start getting ready. He’d grown sweaty over the course of the day, with the midday sun having poured heat into his home, so he wanted to take a shower to freshen up. He hoped the shower would calm the bubbling feeling of nervous excitement, but despite his best efforts, letting the cool water wash over him for a while, that feeling remained.

Phil got himself dressed in his favourite shorts and a t-shirt that fit him well, wanting to look as good as he could, whilst still dressing practically for the heat - overall, casual but nice.

It would take about fifteen minutes to walk to the coffee shop, so Phil had planned to leave at twenty to five. In the end, he was ready at half past four, so he decided to set off anyway. There was no harm in being early.

As it turned out, being early resulted in Phil standing outside the coffee shop for twenty minutes, awaiting the arrival of Dan. They were five minutes late, which didn’t bother Phil, but he was starting to sweat, maybe a little nervously, or from being out in the heat for so long.

Phil almost didn’t recognise Dan when they appeared, dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans and a t-shirt of the same colour, apart from a small embroidered red rose. He was so used to seeing them dressed in mucky gardening clothes, ones that weren’t exactly flattering, so this was a pleasant surprise. The main difference, Phil noticed, was that Dan’s chest was more or less flat. That hadn’t been the case this morning, but Phil remembered Dan talking about wanting a flat chest and he knew there were means of achieving that on a temporary basis.

Dan looked good; Phil couldn’t get that thought out of his mind. He chose not to identify with a sexuality, and people like Dan were the reason for that. How could you label yourself as only liking specific kinds of people when there’s a whole spectrum out there? Phil was a strong believer in the idea of sexuality being nothing more than a societal concept; he’d like whoever he liked and that would be that.

“Hi,” Phil greeted Dan with a smile and, after a moment, the two shared a tentative hug. Phil wanted to be careful of Dan’s boundaries, so he simply held out his arms with a questioning look, allowing Dan to decide how close they would go. Dan, in their current state of dress, had no reservations about getting close, their chest snug against Phil’s but not pressingly so. The two hugged for a good few moments, Phil just enjoying being in Dan’s arms until they were at risk of overstepping the time you could hug for in public.

The two of them stepped inside the coffee shop, appreciating the air conditioning as they waited to order. They both ordered iced coffees, something neither of them would have anticipated doing when the date was organised the previous week. Phil made sure Dan stayed by his side, paying for both of their drinks. It was a date, so it was on him.

Once they had their coffees, Phil led them over to the back of the shop; a table was hidden away in the corner, two seats tucked under it and small vase of purple flowers on top.

It was always easier to talk without the close presence of other people, and Phil felt that was important to both of them. He and Dan took their seats and quickly settled into a conversation, which as always, took off like they had never parted ways.

You’d never expect a conversation to bring you physically closer, but as Dan and Phil sat there, they found themselves subconsciously leaning in over the table. When Phil realised how they close they’d become, and how close their hands were, he made a bold move, inching his hand closer to Dan’s and gently touching it, as if to ask,  _‘is this okay?’_

Smiling down at their hands, Dan nudged back, and with that confirmation, Phil lifted his hand over Dan’s and they joined them together. Phil never knew that such a simple move could make him feel so much, but he felt his heart was swelling in his chest, tears prickling in the back of his eyes; this meant so much to him.

Neither of them said anything for a while, exchanging the odd moment of eye contact but nothing more. Eventually, when they had grown more comfortable, the conversation started to flow again, but their hands stayed joined in an unspoken connection.

Phil didn’t quite know if he was doing a good enough job of physically expressing his feelings, or if he should say something. However, it turned out there was no need. Dan got there first, in their own unique way.

“I like you Phil, and that feeling’s starting to grow. Will you let me water that feeling? Give it a little love? Let take you on a date in return?” Dan asked, squeezing Phil’s hand gently and looking into his eyes.

Phil nodded, feeling his eyes water a little with happiness, “Yes, I’d love that.”

“How about Sunday?” Dan suggested, “Would the botanic gardens interest you?”

“That would be lovely,” Phil smiled, quite overwhelmed because this was honestly everything he’d been hoping for: Dan enjoying the date to the extent that he wanted to organise another. Plus, Phil loved the idea of Dan, his favourite plant expert, taking him to the botanic gardens.

“I’ll text you to confirm the details,” Dan smiled back.

Full of happiness, the two sat for a while, slowly starting to wind down the conversation. There was that feeling looming over them that it was time to leave the coffee shop so as not to overstay their welcome, time for them to part ways once more. Eventually, the two got up to leave, a little melancholy as they tucked the chairs back under the table, as they accepted their date was over.

As they walked out of the coffee shop, Dan took one last look behind at the setting of their first date. They’d noticed the flowers on the table as they sat there, but it was only now they thought about their deeper meaning. Lilacs. Purple lilacs represented the first emotions of love, and it that moment, Dan knew that’s what they were feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 7-10 days. Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


	5. Rhododendron Giganteum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy chapter 5! Thank you so much to [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing for me.

Both Dan and Phil had been looking forward to this day all week. They hadn’t seen each other since Monday, but they’d talked plenty, through both texts and phone calls, not only to confirm their plans, but just to chat. Dan found that, at anytime when they weren’t talking to Phil, they missed him. They didn’t exactly know what their relationship was as of yet, but they liked each other, so there was definitely something growing between them.

The two of them had made the decision to go to the botanic gardens early, to get the most out of the day. Dan arrived at Phil’s house in their van, the  _ ‘Howell with a Trowel’ _ branding standing out from the freshly washed paintwork. As a single person, the van sufficed for all their activities, so they had never felt the need for a regular car until now. Whilst parking their van at the botanic gardens might be good advertising, Dan had needed to do a lot of preparation in order to get it ready for taking Phil on a date.

Phil had been in the van before, when it was muddy, but that day it didn’t matter. It was chucking it down with rain and Dan hadn’t been trying to make an impression. Now, as they were taking Phil on a date, Dan wanted the van looking nice and fresh. The floor and seats had been suffering from accumulated mud and grass, so Dan cleaning them up made a big difference. Whilst they and Phil were going to a garden, this was a date, and Dan wanted to make it perfect.

\--

Phil knew Dan would be picking him up in their van and he’d presumed it would have the usual, slightly earthy and natural feel inside. When he climbed in, he was a little surprised to see how much Dan had cleaned it up. He couldn’t quite decide whether he was disappointed at the loss or whether he liked it clean, but his brain didn’t linger on that, not when he had this beautiful human in front of him.

Dan’s curly brown hair was swept neatly across their forehead, like it was when they had met at the coffee shop. When Dan was gardening, it was either hidden away in a hat, or left a mess of loose curls. Whilst Phil appreciated all these versions of Dan, there was something special about seeing them like this, with the extra effort Dan had put in just for him.

Now that Phil had settled in the passenger seat and raked in Dan’s appearance, he did up his seatbelt, ready for them to head off. He couldn’t quite see Dan’s whole outfit, with their legs disappearing down into the footwell, but he could appreciate that Dan, when not at work, had a certain aesthetic they wanted to keep up. They were wearing a black hoodie with delicate green leafy vines printed on each sleeve and matching green pull strings. Phil could see that Dan was wearing black jeans too - but he wouldn’t be able to appreciate the exact fit of them until the two were out of the van.

In driving to the botanic gardens, Dan and Phil chatted about various things, but predictably, plants. Dan started talking about harvesting some aloe vera to help heal some scratches, and, having an Aloe Vera himself, Phil took this as an opportunity to ask a couple of questions about his own houseplants. Any keen houseplant enthusiast would do the same if the chance arose, he assured himself, quizzing Dan on their knowledge of Orchids, Fittonias, Palms and succulents.

“I presume you have any plants that are poisonous to dogs out of Thor’s reach?” Dan then asked, a little concerned.

“Oh yeah. He’s good around them generally, but I keep the ones that could do him harm high up,” Phil confirmed, nodding as he understood Dan’s worry - for instance, he knew ingesting aloe vera could give dogs diarrhea, and nobody wanted that.

“Is he good at being left home alone?” Dan asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yeah, he’s a good boy generally. He can get a little excitable around people, but when he’s home by himself, he’s quite calm and well behaved,” Phil explained, feeling his face relax into a smile as he thought about his little friend. “I have a couple of those home cameras so I can check up on him, but he hasn’t got up to any mischief since he was a little puppy.”

Nodding, Dan continued, “Well as much as I love Thor, I’m looking forward to spending some time with just you.”

“Aww thank you,” Phil laughed. “Me too; Thor can be a little bit much sometimes.”

On arriving at the car park by the botanic gardens, both of them got out of the van quickly, Dan only hanging back to grab a small rucksack from the back. Now that Phil could see all of Dan’s outfit, he concluded that these were not quite Dan’s casual clothes, definitely not their gardening clothes, but an in-between. In addition to the hoodie, they wore a pair of well fitting black jeans and slightly muddy black boots. Footwear aside, Phil could appreciate the effort they’d gone to to put this together.

“You look good,” Phil complimented Dan, moving stand by their side.

“Thanks,” Dan replied softly, a little red dusting their cheeks. “I could easily be mistaken for one of the gardeners in some of my clothes, and well, I wanted to put in a little effort for you.”

Dan gently nudged their hand against Phil’s, who warmly accepted the offer. Then, with their hands joined between them, Dan pointed them in the direction of the entrance.

Their joined hands had to break apart on entry to the shop, to pay for admission. Phil, on instinct, was reaching into his pocket for his wallet when Dan grabbed his wrist, “Let me. Gender roles might say that, as  _ ‘the man’, _ you should be paying, but I asked you, so this is on me.”

Phil nodded and smiled, understanding what Dan was saying about the tradition of men paying, but that wasn’t really where his mind had been, “Sorry, autopilot.”

When the people in front of them were done at the desk, Dan stepped forward, their hand lightly ghosting over Phil’s back to encourage him to do the same.

“A member and a guest,” Dan said smoothly, showing the cashier what Phil presumed to be a membership card.

Phil watched the exchange with amusement.  _ Of course Dan’s a member. _

The cashier checked their card, tapped a couple of things into a computer and printed out a receipt like ticket. “Would you like a map?”

Glancing at Phil, Dan nodded, “Yeah, that would be good, thanks.”

The cashier wished them a good day, then Dan guided Phil out of the shop into an area filled with potted plants.

“Okay,” Dan said, handing Phil the map. “I doubt we’ll be seperated, but take this just in case. It’s a big garden and you could probably get lost pretty easily, not knowing your way around.”

“Thanks,” Phil grinned, taking the map and studying it. He knew that if anyone could get lost, it would be him.

“And some geography for you,” Dan started to gesture slowly,  first pointing to the door they had exited through, then the plants around them. “That’s the shop and these are all the plants that are for sale.”

Dan turned around and paused, letting Phil’s eyes follow to where they were pointing. “And that, in there, is the cafe, which we’ll come back to for lunch.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, glad Dan was helping him to get his bearings.

When Dan had finished explaining the setup of the garden to Phil, the two of them pored over the map, Dan running their finger along the routes they would go, to see what they had picked out as the best bits. As the two of them crowded around the map, neither of them noticed how close they had gotten, their shoulders pressed together.

After the two of them set off, it wasn’t long before their hands found each other’s again, an initial bumping of shoulders working its way down their arms until their hands slotted comfortably together.

Dan knew exactly which bits of the garden they wanted to show Phil and exactly how to get to them. Clearly, they’d take Phil anywhere else he wanted to go, but as it was his first time here, he probably needed a bit of showing around.

With the stoney paths under their feet, the two walked slowly around some of the prettiest areas of the garden, taking in the plants, the flowers and the trees. Some areas were filled with the smell of the late summer blossoms and birds chirping amongst the trees. The day was sunny, but in places, trees formed a canopy of shade, a wonderfully tranquil atmosphere.

“This is so beautiful,” Phil mused softly. “You come here a lot, right?”

“Yeah, it’s really calming,” Dan nodded. “Some people like yoga, or baths, or cups of tea - but I prefer to lose myself in the peaceful beauty of this place. Plants are so chill, they just sway gently in the breeze and get on with life. The outside world can be stressful, but in a garden, I’m just another carefree seedling, oblivious to what I am, to what I’m going to become.” 

Phil nodded, letting Dan’s words swirl through his mind as he tried to comprehend the deep meaning behind them. They walked on in a thoughtful haze, Phil slowly coming to understand Dan’s point of view, why they felt like they could become one with the garden around them.

“You have the most beautiful way of expressing how you feel,” Phil told Dan, squeezing their hand softly.

“Thank you,” Dan smiled, squeezing back. “I guess it’s just the way that feels most natural to me. How does one explain their true feelings without metaphors straight from the heart?”

“I have no idea,” Phil murmured, gazing at both Dan and the garden with wonder.

The blanket of tranquility settled over them once more. With their voices gone, the only remaining sounds were that of the birds, their feet crunching on the path, and the wind in the trees around them. Dan would point out some of their favourite plants occasionally, but the two mainly stayed quiet, enjoying the garden in a shared silence.

“I’m going to take you to one of my favourite spots,” Dan told Phil, their voice filled with warmth of an orange lily.

Phil smiled, squeezing Dan’s hand and agreeing that he’d love to see it.

Dan led them out into a more open expanse of garden, where a path led them down to a grassy area framed by rhododendron giganteum: giant bushes, about ten metres tall and just as wide, blooming with wonderful flowers: some pink, some red, some white.

“These are.. giant!?” Phil said, with an air of surprise, not acquainted with how large plants could be if one had the space.

“They are,” Dan nodded, smirking, “And the best thing… we can go inside them!”

“You serious?” said Phil, his eyes widening.

“Yup,” Dan smiled. “There’s no way of being more at one with a plant than literally being inside one.”

“Are we going in?” Phil asked, suddenly a little nervous at the thought of being inside a living thing larger than him.

“Of course,” Dan grinned, squeezing Phil’s hand and lightly tugging him in the direction of the pink rhododendron.

Dan took them through a gap so as not to disturb the bush, then led them to a spot in the middle. There was a branch, the perfect height for sitting on, which Dan settled down on, inviting Phil to scoot up beside them.

“Do you see why this is one of my favourite places?” Dan asked Phil, taking his hand into their lap.

“I do,” Phil nodded, agreeing, both in relation to the inside of this bush and the garden as a whole. Being inside the Rhododendron was something special: a relatively private, peaceful bubble, where the thick wooden branches were abstract furniture and a decorative carpet of leaves and petals lay beneath their feet. The experience of the whole garden was equally special, walking around hand in hand with Dan, taking in the atmosphere, the plants and their exquisite beauty. “Everything here is stunning; we’ll definitely need to come back.”

“We will,” Dan blushed, their tongue brushing over their lips.

Phil found his eyes on Dan’s lips, their tongue flicking over them. He looked from Dan’s mouth up to their eyes and, for a moment, the two of them locked gazes, silently forming an idea of what was coming next. Dan brought their hand around to the back of Phil’s neck, softly pulling him closer. Phil reached his hands out for Dan, and then the two of them met in the middle, lips pressing delicately against one another's, like two pink flowers blossoming face to face. 

They both pulled back with silly grins, neither of them able to contain their joy. It wasn’t something they instantly spoke about, but it showed their feelings were mutual, and in that moment, that was enough.

For a while, the two sat on the branch, pressed up against each other, arms crossing over behind them, enjoying the bliss. The privacy of the rhododendron bush was their little bubble of carefree happiness, one they didn’t want to burst out of just yet.

A small seedling of a conversation quickly grew into something important, the two of them discussing what their relationship was. They were definitely dating, but they felt this confirmed their status as a couple, as boyfriend and…? It was important to Phil that he called Dan the right thing; someone with no gender wouldn’t necessarily be a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

“I think ‘partner’ is what I’d be most comfortable with...” Dan said softly, almost hesitantly, “If that sounds too much, then ‘boyfriend’ would do? There’s a term ‘enbyfriend’ but I kind of hate how unnatural it feels.”

“My partner,” Phil smiled. “I like that. It suits you.”

“Thank you,” Dan said, wrapping their arms around Phil in the biggest of hugs, almost wanting to cry over how respectful Phil, their boyfriend, was being.

There was a slight emotional moment before they exited the brilliant bush, Dan’s eyes watering a little and Phil peppering them with a few kisses, before pulling them in to his side. Now that they were official, the importance of being there for each other had only magnified. They linked hands, and like twisty vines, intertwined their fingers once more, warmth flowing between them as they continued to explore the garden.

Dan showed Phil a few more of their favourite spots: the pond with the fountain, the walled garden and the avenue of stepping stones. The botanic garden was truly a beautiful place and so was the relationship that was starting to blossom between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 7-10 days. Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


	6. More Than Just a Fucked up Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy chapter 6! Thank you so much to [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing for me.

With the success of their date at the botanic garden, Dan and Phil wanted to meet up more. As they phoned each other regularly, it wasn’t long before something else was being organised. Whilst going out on dates was lovely, Phil fancied the idea of having Dan over for the evening, for takeaway and movies. He knew they had similar tastes, so he was confident it could work out well. Plus, maybe he’d get to know Dan a bit better in the privacy of one of their own homes.

Dan loved the idea when Phil suggested it, so come Saturday evening, Dan was making their way to Phil’s house. Phil had the place all tidy and clean: he’d cleared the coffee table from piles of letters and miscellaneous junk so that they would have a place to lay their food. He’d hoovered the living room carpet and the sofa; Thor usually tidied up the odd crumb, but Phil wanted to do the job properly. He even had his DVD collection all back in their correct boxes and stacked neatly beside the TV.

Phil was still rushing around tidying some last minute odds and ends when Dan rang the doorbell. They weren’t early, Phil was just in a bit of a panic trying to get his home as tidy as possible. He’d even gone as far as giving Thor a bath so that there wasn’t a smelly dog odour in the air.

As Phil ran to the door, he realised that in his rush to change clothes earlier, he hadn’t put any socks on. Would Dan be okay with his bare feet or should he put something on them? He didn’t want to keep Dan waiting, so he went to answer the door, which Thor was already stood by, barking excitedly.

“Thor,” Phil said firmly, nudging Thor away from the door, “Calm down.”

Phil opened the door and invited Dan in, waiting until the door was shut before engulfing them in a hug. Dan hugged him back, both of them trying to ignore the excitable Thor barking around their legs. It was a warm hug, and one that felt so personal. Being their first hug in private, they lingered in each other's arms for longer than they would have otherwise, soaking in that homely feeling.

When Phil was finally done hugging Dan, Thor took the opportunity to jump up, barking excitedly and give them a few licks. Dan laughed, crouching down and petting the dog, rubbing their hand over Thor’s head. Once Thor had calmed, Phil invited Dan to take off their coat, and their shoes if that was more comfortable.

Phil gave Dan a basic house tour, pointing out the kitchen and the bathroom because those were useful things to know. Finally, they headed for the living room, Thor padding slowly behind them.

"You have so many houseplants; I love that," Dan said, as the two settled on the sofa.

"Thank you," Phil grinned. "They just make the place feel so nice and fresh. I'm maybe not the best at taking care of them, but I try."

“I can see that,” Dan laughed, looking at a rather crispy looking orchid in the corner. “Once an orchid stops flowering, you should cut that stem back to the green bit. Have you got a pair of scissors and I can show you?”

“Uhh sure,” Phil said, jumping up from his seat and hurrying to the kitchen to get a pair of scissors, picking up the orchid on his way back to Dan.

Dan settled the plant pot between their legs and started to point out to Phil what he should have done with the dead flower stem, “So this is where the flowers were, so we need to cut this stalk below where the lowest flower was.”

Dan picked up the scissors, and with a soft  _snip_ , they cut the stem back to where it should be. “Now, it might flower again by itself, but you can encourage it by putting it somewhere with greater temperature variation, or by getting some orchid food.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, smiling at how Dan was taking care of his plant like this. “I’ll maybe give it some time by itself and see; I wouldn’t even know where to start with buying plant food.”

“I can pick some up for you the next time I’m at the garden centre,” Dan suggested, caringly dusting off one of the orchid’s leaves.

“You don’t have to,” Phil protested, more out of tact than anything; he did want his orchid to be healthy.

Dan smiled knowingly and handed the orchid back to Phil, who returned it to the table in the corner.

“So, on the topic of food,” Phil said, as he sat back down next to Dan, “What kind of takeaway do you fancy?”

Deciding what kind of takeaway is always a challenge, because how does one pick from such a wide range of choices? Pizza? Chinese? Indian? Japanese? Thai? There was a ridiculous amount of choice out there, and hence, the two struggled to make their minds up. It wasn’t coming to a shared conclusion that was the problem, more that they both wanted all the different options.

Eventually they decided on Indian, ordering pakora, poppadoms, curries, rice and naan bread - everything they needed for a feast. Phil ordered from his phone, paying online, saving them from the inevitable argument about who payed. He was coming to the conclusion that whoever did the asking paid for the date; that seemed to be a good system.

As they waited for the food to arrive, Phil discussed with Dan what film they should watch first. However, they kept ending up chatting about films, and then just chatting in general, never getting to their goal of having a film picked out to watch.

When the food arrived, Phil answered the door and brought it in, bringing it over to the coffee table that sat in front of them. With the food came an aromatic smell, distinctive to the spices of Indian food. Thor, like any dog, smelt food and immediately showed an interest, lurking around the legs of the table and jumping up at it to see if there was anything he could pinch.

“Thor,” Phil laughed, picking up the small dog, “Not for you, c’mon.”

Phil carried Thor out of the living room, setting him down in the kitchen with his own bowl of food, “Sorry lil guy, just while we eat.”

Phil always felt bad when he shut Thor in another room, but eating their dinner would be stressful with him trying to nick some of it. He didn’t want to subject Dan to that challenge, not at this early stage in their relationship.

He returned to his spot next to Dan on the sofa and the two of them dug into their takeaway. They continued their earlier conversation, talking about their lives as they ate, too engrossed in the discussion about their pasts to get back to thinking about films.

Sometimes in life, you find someone who you can just talk to for hours and hours, comparing similarities in your lives, even unveiling lesser known facts about yourself. These sorts of conversations never have a particular theme, but are some of the best conversations you’ll ever have.

With every bite of curry or poppadom, they would ingest a new fact about the other. In this time, they’d drawn closer together on the sofa, legs pressed up against each others’, shoulders bumping whenever either of them reached out for more food. Sharing food and sharing stories had brought them closer, not only emotionally, but physically; the sofa now felt like one shared space rather than two separate cushions.

When the two had eaten all that they could, they relaxed back into the sofa, needing a few minutes to let their bodies deal with the food before they could even think about moving. Phil knew that he needed to take the boxes to the kitchen and that he needed to let Thor out again, so that was what motivated him to leave behind the comfort of the sofa and Dan’s warmth. He gathered up the boxes and took them to the kitchen where he was met by a now well-fed, happy Thor. Phil abandoned the takeaway boxes on the counter and together, he and Thor scampered back to the living room to join Dan once more.

Phil settled back into his spot, and Thor curled up at his feet. The three of them were all in that post-food state where one just needs to rest for a while. Phil found himself back in this shared space, where he and Dan relaxed into each other slightly, not exactly cuddling but leaning into the softness of each other’s bodies. He wanted to cuddle with Dan, but he didn’t want to take a step too far, too soon.

In their slightly sleepy post food haze, Phil picked up the remote and they settled on something to watch. Earlier, the decision felt like a big one, but now it was just something to fill the tired silence while their food digested.

Over the course of the film, Phil’s food coma slowly dissipated into a new burst of energy. He wanted to talk again, he felt he could shift around now, rather than just remaining frozen in one spot. He moved his arm and gently settled it around Dan’s shoulders, a little nervous until he saw his move had been accepted, Dan snuggling closer into his side. Phil didn’t know whether his heart skipped a beat at that, or whether he was just so happy that something twinged inside him. Anyhow, he felt content.

When the credits started to roll, the conversation picked up again, now taking on an extra element of intimacy. Maybe it was the time of day, maybe it was the slight haze remaining from their shared food coma, or maybe it was this newfound closeness. Neither of them quite knew how the conversation got onto the ins and outs of their sexualities and gender. Whilst Dan had explained the basics of their gender identity to Phil, Phil had never spoken about how he felt about the concept of sexuality. It wasn’t something that mattered to him - he just liked who he liked - but it was something Dan was curious about.

_‘How could you label yourself as only liking specific kinds of people when there’s a whole spectrum out there?’_  That was always Phil’s prevalent thought on the matter, which he explained to Dan; he knew they would understand about the spectrum, being a prime example of that.

“I like how you think,” Dan smiled softly, taking Phil’s hand and squeezing it gently. “It honestly makes me feel so valid, that I’m more than just a fucked up mind. I know being bi or pansexual can include attraction to the non-binary, but there’s so many people who just don’t think that way, who I just don’t exist to, because I’m not a man or a woman.”

Dan’s face had fallen as they spoke about their feelings, the soft smile dropping into a flat line, a sadness present in their eyes.

“You are so much more than that,” Phil insisted, squeezing Dan’s hand supportively, feeling a bit emotional himself. “You’re the most beautiful, kind person I’ve ever met. You’re not judgmental; I feel like you understand me. You have the most unique way of expressing yourself, and I love that.”

“Thank you,” Dan said, their eyes glistening with moisture, voice cracking with emotion. “You’re making me cry.”

Phil reached out to pull Dan closer, and at the same time they seemed to fall into his arms for support. He could see that Dan’s boundaries were weak, but he didn’t want to overstep them. Deciding a hug would be ideal, Phil brought his arms snugly around them, letting their head fall to rest on his shoulder, just holding them and slowly running his hand up and down their back.

Phil knew that the third date was too soon to say  _‘I love you’_ , but the words were something he couldn’t get out of his mind. Did he love Dan? Was it too soon for that? What was he feeling? Was this just some primal need to hold and care for and look after them? He knew he couldn’t make such a major decision in such an emotional moment, so he pushed the words out of his mind, as something to consider at a later date, when he didn’t have his partner crying in his arms.

“Deep breaths,” Phil said softly, trying to encourage Dan to do something to help themself; consolation wasn’t what they needed here, just a little help to get their emotions under control.

“Can’t,” Dan choked, clawing at their shirt slightly, “I…”

“Are you wearing a binder or something?” Phil asked, a question he’d never planned on asking because that was the sort of information Dan should divulge when they were ready, but seeing Dan struggling, he needed to know.

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Need it off.”

“D’you want to go to the bathroom? Or me to go away for a minute?” Phil asked, seeing that he needed to do the talking here.

“Just shut your eyes,” Dan said, pulling their shirt up and over their head before Phil even had his eyes fully shut, giving him a glimpse of the binder underneath.

Phil sat still, keeping his eyes shut until Dan said something. He could still hear their crying, their laboured breathing, the rustle of fabric. Eventually, the rustling came to a stop and so did the movement of the sofa, next to him.

“Phil, you can open,” Dan said softly, and he opened his eyes to see them sat next to him, arms folded weirdly over their chest. “Uhh, do you have a hoodie I could borrow? I... uhh..”

“Yeah, of course,” Phil nodded, hopping to his feet. “Any criteria?”

“Anything, as long as it’s baggy,” Dan sniffed, still looking a bit tearful.

Phil smiled an ‘okay’ and hurried off to his bedroom to grab something for Dan. He knew Dan had issues with their chest, but he didn’t know how to what extent, so for now, he was going to be a supportive boyfriend and make sure Dan was as comfortable as they could be.

Phil returned to the living room and handed Dan the big red hoodie, which they quickly tugged over their head, instantly looking more comfortable as the hoodie disguised their shape a lot more than a t-shirt.

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, “Do you want anything else? Some water? Tissues?”

“If you don’t mind?” Dan nodded, a little tentatively.

Phil left again for a few minutes to grab these, then sat back down next to Dan as they sorted themself out, blowing their nose, sipping on the water, taking some deep breaths. Phil sat quietly next to them, his hand open as an offer if they wanted to hold it. Dan took their time, but eventually slipped their hand into Phil’s and rested their head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry for all that,” Dan murmured, sounding somewhere between tired and embarrassed.

“It’s alright,” Phil replied softly, “As long as you’re okay, that’s what matters.”

“I’m okay now,” Dan nodded, “Thank you.”

The two fell into a silence for a minute or two, Dan breathing steadily and Phil just sitting there, wondering if he should say something or if Dan was going to talk. Eventually, there came a deep shaky breath and a softly spoken, “Phil.”

“I want to talk to you about what happened there,” Dan said, their voice sounding almost like they were forcing it to be strong.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “Is it alright if I put an arm around you?”

Dan mumbled a yes, and once Phil had settled his arm around Dan’s shoulders, they took a deep breath and started to speak, “So, uh, you obviously know this is a binder and that they are kinda constricting. It makes breathing a little more difficult, which usually is fine, but I got a little emotional there and I just couldn’t quite get to where I needed to be. So, thanks so much for helping me out there.”

Phil nodded, taking in the information, “Are you okay now though? Your chest doesn’t hurt?”

“It does a little bit, but that’s kind of normal with binding,” Dan explained, “It’s annoying because it gives me a reminder of what’s there, but for getting a flat chest, it’s worth it. When I’m gardening or at home, I usually wear a bra, because that’s more physically comfortable in the long run. I only really bind when I’m going out and I want to look more like how I feel I should.”

“So you don’t have the best relationship with your body?” Phil queried, wondering if that was Dan’s only problem or if there was more to it.

“The parts of my body which make me a female, yeah,” Dan nodded, “My chest is my main issue, like that’s something I have to deal with daily and I’d rather not have to. It’s like… how do I explain dysphoria? It’s like I have these two beautiful flowers on my chest, a kind of flower that most people love, but to me they’re just a nuisance. They’re like sunflowers; I hate sunflowers. They’re so big, it feels wrong and I don’t like the way they sway around in the breeze; just makes me feel so uncomfortable. They’re the one thing that never fails to make me feel shit about myself.”

Phil squeezed Dan’s shoulder slightly, “I can’t quite relate, because I’m okay with my body, but I think I get what you mean… I really appreciate you sharing that with me.”

“I feel it’s important when we’re close like this,” Dan murmured softly, shifting their shoulder against Phil slightly. “I feel like I need to tell you if I want us to be close, and it’s kind of a relief to get it off my chest. I don’t really tell anyone other than the plants, and as much as I love them, you acknowledge what I say and help me to feel valid.”

“I’m happy to listen to anything you want to tell me,” Phil said, leaning his head lightly against Dan’s. “If it’s helping you to talk about things, then I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” Dan smiled, shifting more into Phil’s half embrace.

Dan slowly found themself slipping further into Phil’s arms, which gradually joined around their middle as they leant against Phil’s chest. Phil’s arms, they noticed, sat low around their stomach. That was a comfort, seeing that Phil knew how to respect their boundaries without them specifically expressing where his hands couldn’t go. Dan had talked enough about their discomfort with their chest and could see that Phil understood that, choosing to keep his arms away unless Dan showed he wanted otherwise.

The evening progressed in this way, the two of them sat cuddled together, chatting quietly, peacefully. Neither of them possessed a desire to watch any more films; talking to each other brought smiles to their faces in a way no movie could. Cosy cuddles became sleepy cuddles, and eventually Dan had to admit that it was time for them to go home.

As the two got up from the sofa and headed to Phil’s door, there were a few moments where Dan didn’t quite know what to do with Phil’s hoodie, with the situation they had going on underneath. They knew they had their coat, but they’d feel exposed even removing Phil’s hoodie. Phil must’ve noticed Dan fiddling anxiously with the hem of the hoodie, stalling their departure, because he told Dan just what they needed to hear.

“You can borrow the hoodie,” Phil said softly, his hand softly brushing Dan’s waist. “Keep your modesty until you get home.”

“Thank you,” Dan smiled up at Phil, now putting their coat on and zipping it up over the red jumper.

“It’s been lovely to have you,” Phil said, his hand on Dan’s waist again, inviting them in for a hug.

Dan accepted the offer, burying themself in Phil, the layers of the hoodie and the coat being enough of a barrier to let themself get that close. They rested their head on Phil’s shoulder for a moment, enjoying what was going to be their last moment together until they inevitably met at the garden on Monday.

Their hug parted slightly for one last kiss; they’d shared many throughout the evening, but now that Dan was leaving, it felt so much more important. Phil moved one of his hands up from Dan’s waist to the back of their head, and the two pressed their lips together in one last symbol of their growing love. Neither of them had fully admitted it yet, but it was there.

“See you soon, love,” Phil said softly as they split apart, retreating to more of a distance than had been between them all evening.

Phil wished Dan could stay longer, but they weren’t quite at the stage of sleeping over yet, so for now, he had to let them go. He opened the door for Dan and wished them one last goodbye as they headed off into the night. Dan drove off home in their van, leaving Phil feeling a bit lonely; it’s always hard to be alone after spending such quality time with someone. Thor sensed Phil was feeling a bit low and tried to cheer him up: nuzzling into Phil’s calves, and once Phil had sat down, jumping up into his lap - but as a dog, there was only so much he could do.

Phil knew he would see Dan again soon, so he just had to focus on the positives and wonder what would be next for them. Phil felt he needed to spend more time with Dan; they were growing closer, the stems of their two lives intertwining onto a stunning trellis. Dan was beautiful, both outside and in, despite their insecurities. Phil just wanted to hold them close and nurture them, show them that they were ‘more than just a fucked up mind’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 7-10 days. Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


	7. The Opposite of Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter; its a long one! Thanks to [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing it for me! Let’s ignore the fact I slightly failed on my schedule - can we blame that on uni starting back? I had to spend the evening rewriting programming notes; sometimes you have to keep the fic posting for later as motivation to get work done.

On the Monday that followed their evening at Phil’s house, Phil and Thor went on their usual walk, stopping to talk to Dan along the way. Dan was cutting the edges of the grass, walking along with a pair of edging shears, a soft  _snip, snip, snip_  filling the air. The grass ends fell away into the flowerbed, where Dan would pick them up after.

Their conversation briefly touched on Saturday evening, which sparked a suggestion from Dan, “Do you want to come over to mine on Saturday? Just have a similar evening to we had at yours? You could even stay over if you want?”

Dan sounded a little nervous, so Phil did his best to be positive and maybe even reassuring about the idea.

“That sounds lovely,” Phil nodded, a genuine smile spreading across his face with the thought of spending more time with Dan. “What time are you thinking?”

“Six?” Dan suggested, a slight shrug suggesting that they were open to change. “Does that give you enough time to get organised after work? We can order something for dinner like we did at yours? Maybe we’ll have the Chinese this time?”

“Six is good,” Phil grinned, amused at Dan rushing in their excitement, “And yeah, hopefully we’ll be better at deciding this time around. D’you want me to bring anything?”

“I’ll have snacks and stuff, so just an overnight bag if you want to stay over?” Dan smiled up at Phil, a little uncertainty in their voice.

“Okay, I’ll bring my toothbrush and whatever,” Phil nodded, starting to think about what he would actually need to bring.

Phil was ninety-nine percent sure that this would be an innocent sleepover; he didn’t even know if they’d be sharing a bed. He’d love to, but despite how much they’d cuddled the last time they were together, but he didn’t know how much more Dan was comfortable with. Despite this, something in the back of his mind made him consider that, in the future, things could get heated. He’d never been a man to keep a condom in his wallet, but it couldn’t hurt to be prepared. Phil pushed that thought to the back of his mind for later, before his face went red and gave him away.

Dan and Phil talked for a while longer, discussing Dan’s morning so far, and what Phil’s work had in store for him for the week ahead. He was coming to the end of a project, so there’d be some time spent waiting for videos to render and going back and forth with the client to finalise the thumbnail. The deadline was Friday, so presuming all went well, Saturday would be an easy day spent tidying up and doing some admin. Phil was glad that he now had something to look forward to at the end of his week; that would make getting through it a whole lot easier.

Eventually, Phil and Thor had to head on their way, but Phil now walked with a spring in his step, Thor bounding along happily beside him. This week might be difficult, but Phil knew it would be worth it in the end.

-

As expected, Phil’s week was a busy one, with long stressful days, getting things finished, fingers tapping on his desk as he waited for the finalised versions of the videos to save. Sometimes Phil had days when five o’clock didn’t come around fast enough, and this week was full of those days.

Eventually he would get to head home, where he’d be greeted by a few face licks from Thor, before he heated something for his dinner and sat down at the table in his small kitchen to eat. As much as he loved his dog weaving in and out of his feet as he ate, he felt a longing for some human company. The nights had never felt so lonely until he knew how they felt with Dan there.

Phil hadn’t planned to speak with Dan on the phone every night that week, but it happened one day after they exchanged a few messages and Dan realised that maybe Phil needed someone to talk to, then it became a routine over the course of the week. The conversations started with both of them talking about their days, a big relief for Phil’s stresses, but, of course, the conversation moved onto other things and he spent the evening with his phone pressed to his ear; talking to Dan was more relaxing than any other activity he could’ve chosen to fill his evening.

-

Saturday was a relieving, easier day of work, made better still by the knowledge of where he was going when he got home - Phil was more than ready to spend some time with Dan. Having talked to them a lot over the course of the week, he felt they’d grown closer. He wanted to hug Dan, to hang out with them in person, to see their beautiful face. It sounded cheesy, even in his mind, but he’d missed those warm brown eyes, the adoring smile, the soft features and, particularly, their personality.

Phil made sure that he got all of his work done on time so that he could leave when the clock hit five. He headed home directly, knowing he would need every minute to get ready and get to Dan’s on time. First he wanted to shower; it hadn’t been a bad day, but he wanted to be fresh for Dan. After a speedy five minutes under the flow of water, he worked on packing a little overnight bag: pyjamas, spare underwear and socks, his toothbrush, toothpaste, his glasses, pot for his contacts, his wallet. He was never the best at packing, but eventually he was confident that he had everything he needed.

Before he left, Phil dished out some food for Thor, explaining to the dog that he’d be going away for the night. He knew Thor wouldn’t understand him, but he tried, knowing he’d feel guilty if he left with no explanation whatsoever.

Phil hadn’t been to Dan’s house yet, but he had the address in a text and Dan’s explanation of how to get there in his mind.  _Willowherb Wynd. It’s near the station, like you know the that little lane that takes you down to the trackside? If you drive along there, I’m at the end - the gate’s kind of hidden by a massive oak tree, so you’ll have to do a pretty sharp turn to get in, but once you’re in, I’ve got a reasonable driveway so you’ll have plenty space to park._

The route to the station was familiar to Phil. It took him a minute to spot the small lane, marked Willowherb Wynd, but once he turned down the twisty lane, he understood why Dan lived there; it had the same sort of vibe they did. The lane had houses at one side - hidden behind a variety of hedges - and at the other side, between the lane and the railway, was an area filled with tall pink-flowered plants. Phil didn’t know what they were, but he was willing to bet that Dan would; he would ask them.

Phil drove along to the end, slowing down to a snail’s pace when he saw a great big tree approaching. Then right after the tree was a gate - presumably Dan’s, as it led into a colourful garden. Phil managed the sharp turn into the driveway, where, after rounding the tree, he saw a very familiar van parked over in front of the house. There was plenty of space in the driveway, but Phil parked his car over next to Dan’s van, deciding that must be the best place to park.

As Phil stepped out of the car and grabbed his bag from the back, he slowly looked around the front garden, taking in a vast array of flowering plants. Phil could only put names to a few of them - a rhododendron, a lupin and a dahlia like the one he and Dan had spoken about one day at their work.

As he turned back to face the front door, he spotted Dan, leaning casually in the doorway with a grin on their face, “You like the garden?”

“It’s beautiful,” Phil smiled, walking over to them. “I can’t name many of the plants, but they’re so pretty. You have so many things in flower at the moment!”

“I have more around the back, if you’d like to see?” Dan suggested, tilting their head for an answer.

“I’d love to,” Phil smiled, excited to see the rest of Dan’s hard work. “Can I put my bag down first?”

“Of course,” Dan said, holding out a hand for the bag, “Let me take it.”

Dan took Phil’s bag from him and laid it down in their front hall before pulling the door shut and joining Phil outside. Before they went anywhere, Dan pulled Phil into a hug, the two not having shared a proper greeting yet, “Hi.”

“Hi,” Phil chuckled, squeezing Dan back, “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s neck. “I know we spoke on the phone, but this has been a long week for both of us; I feel like I’ve been waiting all week just to see you again.”

“Mmm,” Phil nodded, his brain not wanting to think about the difficult week he’d just left behind.

“Are you doing okay now?” Dan asked softly, their hands rubbing Phil’s back, “Less stressed?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Phil smiled, leaning closer into Dan. “The last week was...a lot, but I’m recovering… it’s better now that I’m with you.”

“That’s good to hear,” Dan said, grinning, giving Phil one last squeeze before they pulled apart. “Well let’s go see some plants and then we’ll relax and get food.”

-

“So what are all the pink plants in the lane?” Phil asked as they started to stroll past the front of Dan’s house.

“Oh, they’re Epilobium,” Dan said, the name of the plant flowing smoothly off of their tongue, “Technically Epilobium Angustifolium, but they’re more commonly known as Rosebay Willowherb, giving the road its name. They’re known for growing by railways, which is why there’s so many here.”

“Ahh, I’m not down this way often so that’s why I didn’t really recognise them,” Phil mused, a little amused by Dan’s extensive knowledge. “They’re nice. I can see why you live here. Like, I never knew what was down this lane and it’s all so pretty.”

“Well when I was looking for a place of my own, it kind of spoke to me,” Dan explained, gesturing around them. “It wasn’t until I came here to view the house that I knew it was the one. I know it was this time of year I came to view it because the epilobiums were out and the grass was green and it was a sunny day and that oak tree was just such a nice feature. The garden needed work then, but I guess I just saw that as an opportunity.”

“So what was the garden like when you moved in?” Phil asked, curious how much of this Dan had done themself.

“Well this flowerbed and the one over by your car weren’t here,” Dan explained, pointing out the two areas in question. “They were just grass, and, well, as much as I like a good lawn, I needed to get some pretty plants in front of my house.”

“Have you got grass around the back then?” Phil asked, peering down the side of Dan’s house, where the long flowerbed seemed to extend on into the distance.

“I do,” Dan nodded, brushing their hand against Phil’s and nudging them together, “But it’s more than just grass. It was a single boring green hill at first, but with a little help from my dad, I landscaped it. I’ve got a patio, and then two terraces with raised beds and grass. You can come and see.”

Dan led Phil down the side of the house, along a narrow path between the wall and a spectacular bed of flowers. As they rounded the corner at the back of the house, they were faced with a set of steps ahead of them, leading up onto the first terrace. To the right, the path curled around the back of the house, leading to the patio. As Phil looked around and up, taking in the terraced areas, he found the vast variety of plants and flowers to be a little overwhelming.

He’d never been in a professionally designed and landscaped garden, and until now, he didn’t realise that Dan’s skills extended that far. He knew they loved plants and gardening, but he never realised they were capable of creating something so spectacular.

“You did all this?” Phil gasped, a little lost for words.

“Yup,” Dan smiled, sliding their arm around Phil’s waist.

Phil fell into a stunned silence, so Dan continued, “I’m not gonna lie, it was a lot of work, but it felt like something I needed to do. Having a boring garden would just feel wrong, so I poured my heart and soul into it. I guess this was my coping mechanism for a few years; I’d come home and just completely immerse myself in my own garden. Filling my head with garden designs and groundwork strategies didn’t leave much room for anything else, which really wasn’t that healthy, but it helped me get by.”

Dan, with their arm around Phil, led him a couple of steps along to a traditional cast iron bench where the two sat down for a minute, letting Phil take in the garden. Dan couldn’t exactly tell that he needed a seat, but if the slightly dazed expression on Phil’s face was anything to go by, it might help.

“You did all this?” Phil said, repeating himself, his voice sounding a little lost.

“I did,” Dan nodded, “Hey. look at me.”

Phil turned and looked into Dan’s eyes; Dan brought their hands up to gently cup Phil’s face, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine; I’ve just had a week… and this is so… amazing...” Phil said, stumbling over his words a little, a dampness growing in the corners of his eyes.

Dan moved their hands down from Phil’s face and slowly wrapped them around his torso, pulling him into a hug. Phil’s chin came to rest on their shoulder and Dan exhaled slowly, hoping it would encourage Phil to do the same, to take a breather and collect his thoughts.

As Dan looked over Phil’s shoulder, they spotted a couple of ripe fruits on their raspberry plant, “Would you like a raspberry?”

“Uhm, sure?” Phil said, sounding a little confused.

Dan stretched one of their hands away from Phil’s back and reached out to the raspberry plant, gently plucking a pair of ripe, pink raspberries. Dan then pulled back from the hug and handed Phil a raspberry, “The plant’s behind you and I spotted they were ripe.”

“Thank you,” Phil smiled, taking the fruit from Dan and putting it in his mouth, seeming slightly less overwhelmed now, probably as a result of the hug.

There was a quiet moment where the two ate their raspberries, then they relaxed back into the bench, Phil’s eyes wandering around the garden once more. Dan watched Phil’s expression with a smile on their face. They didn’t have people in their garden often, so it meant a lot that Phil was appreciating it so much. Like a bumble bee pollinating a flower, he was a welcome addition to Dan’s life.

-

After a while, Dan led Phil inside, taking him past the greenhouse, around the other side of the house, past where their cars were parked and in the front door. The back door would’ve been closer, but Dan didn’t want Phil seeing their utility room where they kept their dirty laundry and muddy gardening clothes.

Once they stepped inside, Dan pointed out where they’d put Phil’s bag, in the corner nearest to the door. Dan was able to give him a basic house tour from the hallway, pointing out the the toilet, their room, the door further down the hall which led to the spare room and office, and finally, the living room and kitchen to their left.

Phil followed Dan into the living room, “What about the other door, past the toilet?”

“Oh, that’s the utility room,” Dan told him, “Not very interesting unless you want to see a pile of dirty washing.”

“Oh okay,” Phil laughed, “Sorry, I was curious.”

“It’s okay,” Dan smiled, laughing a little themself. “Anyway, make yourself comfortable. Would you like a drink?”

“Uhh, have you got coffee?” Phil asked, feeling a little self conscious about the fact he was needing one this late in the day. “Long day and that.”

“Of course,” Dan nodded, “How do you take it?”

Phil explained his coffee preference to Dan and watched as they walked across to the kitchen to make it. It was a few minutes before Dan returned to the sofa with drinks for both of them. Then they could truly sit down and think about what they were having for dinner, what kind of takeaway it would be this time.

It ended up being Chinese, one of the options that they’d shortlisted the last time. The two ordered a lot of food - Phil with his hard day at work and Dan with their long day of gardening, they both wanted to indulge.

As they waited for the food, one of their topics of conversation led them into a hug, a moment where Dan’s chest was pressed up against Phil. Dan always wondered whether their chest could be felt in a hug, but hugging Phil meant so much to them that they didn’t have the capacity to overthink it.

Dan had chosen to wear one of their more compression sports bras this evening. Their chest ached a little, so they didn’t want to wear a binder, but they still wanted to look good for Phil. It was the best compromise to achieve some sort of flat chest without the discomfort.

When the food arrived, Dan took it in from the delivery person and spread it out on the table in front of the two of them - this was just what they both needed to settle into a comfortable evening together. They tried bits of each others dishes and fell into an easygoing conversation. Things would probably get deeper later, but for now, food and a chat was just perfect.

The two decided to put on a film after dinner, finding themselves in similar food comas to they’d had when they’d indulged in a takeaway at Phil’s. They curled into each other, a blanket over their knees, and enjoyed a peaceful time together.

As it got later, Dan started to notice their chest feeling more uncomfortable, so they eventually made the responsible decision to get up and change. They excused themself by telling Phil they were going to the bathroom, then got up and hurried to their room to deal with the issue. Everything just ached slightly and they knew they wouldn’t be able to bind tomorrow, even a sports bra might be too much. For now, Dan changed into something without compression that didn’t give them very much support but kept everything vaguely in place. Insecure, they found their baggiest hoodie and pulled it over on top; it was probably too warm for it, but it would make them feel more okay about themself.

Dan settled back into their spot next to Phil, groaning slightly as they sank back into the sofa and pulled a cushion up to their chest.

“You okay?” Phil asked softly, noticing Dan’s change in clothes, but also posture.

“Just a bit sore,” Dan explained. “I don’t know whether I overdid it at work or whether its hormones, but my chest kinda aches.”

“Come here,” Phil said softly, opening his arms up for Dan.

The two shuffled closer together and Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, pulling them into the gentlest of hugs. Dan pushed the cushion away to let Phil get nearer, wanting nothing more than Phil to just hold them close. They weren’t feeling that great about their body, but they knew that being in Phil’s arms like this would make them feel a little bit better.

“I’ve not been feeling the best about my body this week, either,” Dan mumbled, a little quiet as they were unsure what all they wanted to admit to Phil.

“What’ve you been feeling?” Phil asked, his voice gentle as he rubbed a hand gently over Dan’s back, “If you’re okay talking about it?”

“Just like a lot of dysphoria… like usually I can kind of dissociate from my body, but I’ve just been unable to ignore it lately,” Dan explained, knowing that they could open up to Phil and he would help them feel valid. “Like my brain keeps reminding me how nice it would be to have a truly flat chest and I just… I’d rather not think about it at all. And it’s not just that, like I never get bottom dysphoria, but a certain time of month is gonna be soon and I’m just struggling with the thought of dealing with it. I’ll know I’ll get through it; I always do, but I…”

“Stop and breathe for a second,” Phil said, a gentle reminder to Dan that they couldn’t just keep talking without working themself into a panic.

Dan took a couple of slow, deep breaths before they continued, “I know it’s kind of disgusting, but I’d love to be able to pee in a bottle sometimes. Like I know there’s so many men out there that do it, and with my job, it really would be useful. It’s bad, but I sometimes don’t drink enough so that I won’t have to leave work to pee. And maybe I wouldn’t pee in a bottle in the back of my van, but I’d like to at least have the choice.”

“Do you think you want surgery someday then? For a flat chest? And a penis?” Phil asked; having done his research, he knew that transmasculine people often wanted these, but not always.

“For a flat chest, yes, I’m pretty definite on that one,” Dan nodded. “The rest is more complicated. Part of me wants a penis, for, like, practicality reasons, but part of me doesn’t. In all honesty, I think it would feel as wrong as what I have at the moment. It’s like having a weird bush that you don’t like, but you don’t exactly want to put a full grown tree there. I want something that doesn’t exist I guess; genitals are a hard one for me.”

“Mmm,” Phil nodded into Dan, “I think I kind of get where you’re coming from.”

“I think at some point I’ll get a hysterectomy, but that’s a big commitment and not something I want to rush into,” Dan added, their voice a bit emotional. “Like, yes it will stop my periods, but also remove my womb, which would mean I couldn’t carry a child. I feel like I’d probably want a surrogate either way - I can get eggs frozen - but I don’t want to remove that option from my life just yet.”

Phil felt Dan shaking as they inhaled, then a sob shook their whole body. He adjusted his hold on Dan a little, pulling them into his chest so he could give them a more all-encompassing hug. He held Dan, one arm around their back, the other behind their head, speaking softly to them as they cried.

“I agree that you shouldn’t rush into that,” Phil nodded. “It’s a big decision which it sounds like you aren’t quite ready for yet.”

Dan nodded, their head bumping Phil’s chest, “I know. I just, I’m not really in a place to think about it at the moment.”

“Deep breaths and try to calm your mind,” Phil said encouragingly, “You’ll be okay.”

Dan nodded and inhaled deeply, a single shuddering breath, then another. Phil kept still, giving Dan something solid to cling onto, softly rubbing their back in an attempt to soothe them. He held Dan until the tears stopped; like a plant which wilts in the rain, they needed the support until the downpour ceased. Then Phil was the sun, spreading his warmth, trying to evaporate the moisture; trying to heal the living being in his arms.

Phil kept his arms around Dan for a while, even after they had stopped crying. They seemed okay, but Phil wanted to support his partner as much as he could. Dan’s emotions were clearly a little fragile and he would do what he could to help them get back into a good place of mind.

“You okay?” Phil said, after a while, noticing that Dan finally felt more calm, their breathing having normalised and their sobs having reduced to just the occasional sniffle.

“I’m good,” Dan said softly, “Thank you. I just get a bit down about things sometimes; like my feelings about by body get too complicated for me to deal with.”

“Yeah, I think you need to put them to the back of your mind for the moment,” Phil nodded. “I’m sure it’s good for you to think about that sometimes, but I think your brain needs to rest for now.”

“Mmm,” Dan agreed, shuffling a little in Phil’s embrace, relaxing into the strong arms that held them.

“D’you want me to get you a drink or some tissues or anything?” Phil asked, feeling that he should offer the support despite this being Dan’s house.

“I’m alright, thanks,” Dan said, nodding their head into Phil. “Just keep holding me?”

“Of course,” Phil murmured softly, “For as long as you need.”

Phil kept himself curled around Dan; he too enjoying the closeness, the peaceful feeling within their little bubble. Whilst he wished Dan didn’t have to be sad, he loved the feeling of being needed, the feeling that he could do something to help. He wanted to do more, but for now, being held was what Dan needed, and Phil could manage that.

The conversation was slow; the two kept talking to keep Dan’s mind off of other things, but it was a warm, sleepy discussion that didn’t really take them anywhere. Eventually they came to the conclusion that they were both really tired, so maybe it was time for bed.

Getting up from the sofa was a struggle, neither of them really wanting to move, yet knowing it was for the better. They separated as they stood, but it was only moments before Dan had themself glued back to Phil’s side.

“I’m gonna make some tea,” Dan said softly, “D’you want some?”

“Yeah, but I’ll help,” Phil said, walking with Dan to the kitchen and staying by their side as they waited for the kettle to boil.

Two mugs, two teabags, and two minutes later, they each had a mug of tea in their hands. It was still too hot to drink, but for now, it was a good hand warmer.

“Let’s go to my room to drink this,” Dan said. “We’ll pick your bag up on the way through.”

Phil followed Dan through to their room, the two stopping to pick up Phil’s stuff from where it lay by the front door. Then, finally, with a mug of tea in one hand and his bag in the other, Phil stepped into Dan’s room.

Whilst the rest of the house didn’t seem overly expressive of Dan’s personal style, Phil could instantly see that they’d put a lot more effort into their bedroom. It had a simple colour scheme, fairly monochromatic with accents of green. Their duvet was white with a big green foliage pattern and had a grey blanket folded over the foot of the bed. The walls were white, with pale green curtains covering most of the wall with the window. The carpet was plain grey, but Dan had added a little green rug beside the bed.

By the window, the wooden legs of an armchair poked out from under a grey throw, a green cushion sitting atop the seat, making it look inviting and comfortable.

“You can sit down if you’d like?” Dan laughed, seeing Phil eyeing up the chair, “It’s comfy, would recommend.”

“Thanks,” Phil smiled, stepping across in the room and sitting down in the seat, only then wondering where Dan would sit.

Phil watched Dan perch on the end of their bed, now starting to sip on their tea. He shuffled in the armchair, moving himself over to one side and thinking whether Dan would want to squish on here with him.

“There’s probably space for you too,” Phil said, patting to the gap next to him, “If you’d like?”

Dan grinned, getting up from the end of the bed and squeezing into the gap next to Phil. It took a minute for the two of them to get settled, but they soon found a comfortable position, Dan’s legs resting atop Phil’s.

“Your room is lovely,” Phil commented, looking around and now spotting the large potted plant in the corner. “You’ve got a theme going, with everything being black, white, grey and green. It suits you so well and I love it.”

“Thank you,” Dan smiled, their voice soft, like it had been draped in the fluffy blanket from the end of their bed. “I guess this was the one room I put effort into making special to me. I like things black, white and grey, but as the colour of foliage, green means a lot me. It’s also subtly the colours of the agender flag, which wasn’t intentional, but once I noticed, it just felt so right.”

“I love that,” Phil grinned, “It’s even more  _you_  than I initially thought.”

“I feel like on bad days, I need to come home to somewhere that reminds me who I am,” Dan said slowly, sipping on their tea, “Somewhere that feels right, that feels warm and homely; somewhere that even if I’m alone, I don’t feel too lonely.”

“I’m glad you have this,” Phil said, wrapping his hands more snugly around his own mug of tea. “I feel lonely sometimes even with Thor; I don’t know how you do it.”

“Sometimes I just curl up with a book and read… to escape from the world, to think about a character’s life rather than my own for a while,” Dan mumbled, “Escapism probably isn’t the healthiest habit, but I get by.”

“You know you can call me any night you’re feeling lonely,” Phil reminded Dan; it was something they’d spoken about briefly, but he wanted to make sure Dan knew they could. “I’m rarely busy in the evenings, and like, even if we’ve already spoken that day, it’s okay. I really enjoy talking to you; it’s nice to be able to come home from work and have someone I can tell about my day.”

“Thanks,” Dan nodded, sniffing, “I might take you up on that sometime.”

Phil, noticing the miserable-sounding sniff, pulled Dan a little closer into his side, careful not to spill either of their teas.

Dan sniffed again, then giggled, “Sorry, hot drinks make my nose run.”

“You’re okay then?” Phil said, with a soft laugh.

“I’m okay,” Dan confirmed, a small smile forming on their face.

When they two had finished their tea, Dan laid their mugs to the side on the floor, insisting that it was something they did all the time and that they’d be fine there until the morning. They stayed snuggled up in the armchair for a while longer, enjoying being cosy together and not wanting to get up, not just yet.

It took a particularly tired sounding yawn from Dan to bring up the subject of going to bed. Phil decided to carefully bring up their sleeping arrangements, wanting to make sure that Dan was definitely sure about inviting him into their bed.

“I’m good with it as long as you are,” Dan smiled softly. “The spare bed is set up if _you_  want, but I’d love to have you here.”

“You’ll let me know your boundaries, with, like, cuddling and stuff?” Phil asked, turning a little red, unsure if he’d asked that question in the right way.

“Oh, of course,” Dan nodded, “It’s really nothing more than just not touching my chest. I’m a pretty cuddly person; you’ve probably realised that by now.”

“Okay, noted,” Phil smiled, his hand rubbing down Dan’s back, “But please let me know if anything makes you uncomfortable.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, leaning into Phil’s touch much more now that the tea was finished.

“Well,” Phil started, his voice soft, “Should we get ready for bed? You seem pretty exhausted?”

“Mmm,” Dan nodded, slowly starting to disentangle themself from Phil and work on getting up.

Once Dan was on their feet, Phil stood up too, slowly following Dan across the room to where his bag lay.

“I’m gonna grab a couple of things and go change in the bathroom,” Dan explained as they rummaged in a drawer. “You can change in here; just let me know when you’re decent and I won’t come out until then.”

Once Dan disappeared into the bathroom with their pyjamas, Phil started to change into his own. He was dressed pretty quickly and called out to Dan that he was decent for whenever they were ready. When Dan opened the door, they still wore their baggy hoodie, but now on top of pyjamas. Together, they finished getting ready for bed, brushing their teeth, Phil taking out his contacts…  and then eventually Dan was taking their hoodie off and the two were getting into bed, laying down and trying to find a comfortable way to fit together.

They eventually settled comfortably, Phil spooning Dan from behind, his chest flat against their back and one hand on Dan’s waist. As they lay there, Phil could feel Dan slowly relaxing, slowly melting into the touch. They were still talking a little, but the conversation was slow and tired; eventually, Phil was wishing Dan goodnight and letting himself relax. He felt Dan’s ankle hook around his, and that was the last thing he was conscious of before he fell asleep. Like two once-lonely bushes, they had grown together, limbs slowly intertwining into a beautiful hedge.

\--

Sunday morning was a lazy affair, the two of them staying in bed long after they woke up, cuddling for a while, exchanging sleepy noises and murmured fragments of conversation. They were both warm and relaxed after a good night’s sleep, but to Phil, Dan seemed just slightly uncomfortable. He didn’t think anything of it, with them having just woken up - maybe they twisted something in their sleep or just needed to stretch.

It was once Dan was dressed, in joggies and a t-shirt, that Phil realised the cause. As Dan walked out of the bathroom, they had a hand down their shirt, clearly uncomfortable with whatever undergarment they’d just put on. Dan quickly grabbed a hoodie to pull over themself before taking a seat on the bed again, grabbing a bundle of duvet and hugging it to their chest.

Phil, having identified what was bothering Dan, spoke up, “Are you okay? Is your chest still hurting?”

Dan nodded, a little miserably, “Probably a certain time of month approaching is the reason for that.”

“Ahh,” Phil nodded sympathetically, reaching his hand out and resting it on Dan’s back. “Is that uhh... ‘time of month’ hard for you?”

“Yeah, it makes me feel pretty shit, to be honest,” Dan admitted miserably. “I try to just get on with things, use life as a distraction to help me forget about it, but that’s not easy.”

“Well, like, let me know if I can do anything for you, when the time comes,” Phil said softly, rubbing his hand down Dan’s back. “I probably can’t do much, but if you need a hug or some chocolate or something…?”

“Thanks Phil,” Dan said, a hint of a smile on their face. “It means a lot, you saying that. My friend Louise sometimes helps me, but it can make me feel a bit alienated because she sees periods in a normal way. She tries, but she can’t understand how wrong it feels for me… and I know you can’t exactly either, but I feel like you’re closer to it.”

For the remainder of their morning together, Phil did his best to make Dan feel loved and appreciated. If this _time_  was on the horizon, Phil wanted to give the support he could. He gave Dan lots of little kisses, hoping they would remember them when they needed it the most. He also took time to shower Dan in verbal affection, feeding it into the conversation as they made breakfast together.

When Phil eventually had to leave - he had to get home and see Thor - he held Dan for a few moments in a warm hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow; take care of yourself.”

The feeling of Phil’s lips on theirs lingered long after Phil had left. That had Dan feeling a little emotional, a little fragile. They knew all the crying they’d done the night before had been partially down to hormones. As Dan lay down on the sofa to hug a cushion and mope, they knew that today was a bad dysphoria day. Their chest ached; they could feel the beginnings of something happening in their abdomen and they were longing for the feeling of Phil’s arms around them once more. Sad and lonely, Dan would struggle their way through the day, their only motivation being the thought of seeing Phil tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 7-10 days. Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


	8. I Love You, My Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to add an **extra warning** to this chapter, that there is references to past suicidal thoughts.  
>  Thanks to [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing it for me! I'm still slightly failing with my posting schedule, but I've had so much work to do for uni, so that is to blame.

Monday came around and Phil set off on his usual walk with Thor, looking forward to seeing Dan despite having only seen them yesterday morning. Dan had been a bit on the quiet side yesterday, not replying to Phil’s texts in a way that let them hold a conversation. Phil eventually dropped it, presuming that maybe Dan just needed some time to themself.

Thor was tugging on his leash, something that had become routine as they approached the garden where Dan worked. Initially, Phil had tried to discipline Thor for this, but now he understood. Whilst he would never express his excitement in the same way as his dog, he knew that he and the dog were experiencing similar emotions.

On approaching the property, Phil kept his eyes wide, looking out for that familiar face. Thor was searching too, his nose in the air, sniffing. Confused at first, they both came to the same conclusion: Thor couldn’t smell Dan, Phil couldn’t see Dan, and neither could see their van.

“Uhhh, looks like Dan’s not here,” Phil mumbled to Thor under his breath, coming to a halt as he looked around once more - maybe they’d parked somewhere different, maybe they were behind a bush.

Phil saw Thor’s tail droop down, the previously ceaseless wagging coming to a sudden halt. Phil knew that if he had his own tail, it would be doing the same thing. Seeing Dan on a Monday had become such a routine in his life that this unexpected interruption threw him off a bit. Why wasn’t Dan here? Were they at a different garden? Were they okay?

Phil decided to text them, hoping he would get the answer to his confusion, his worries.

_ You’re not at work? Are you okay? _

It wasn’t long before Phil got a reply; about the amount of time it would take someone to lift their phone from their pocket or a table and type out a response.

_ I’m at home. I’m not feeling very good, sorry, I should've said. Can I call you? _

Phil didn’t even have to think twice about his reply. Of course Dan could call him. If they weren’t feeling good, Phil wanted to be there for them in whatever way he could.

_ Of course <3 _

There were a few moments of waiting before a familiar name burst onto the screen, phone vibrating to his hand. He answered quickly and pressed it to his ear.

“Dan…hi,” Phil greeted them, waiting for Dan to volunteer what was wrong.

“Phil,” Dan said, their voice soft but tired and miserable, “I.. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything about not being there. I just… I got my... period last night and I don’t usually feel this bad, but like, I have worse cramps than usual and I get super dizzy if I try to get up.”

“Aww, I’m sorry,” Phil said softly, thinking if there was anything he could do. “D’you need anything? Some painkillers? Some company?”

“Uhh, could you come over? I…” Dan asked, suddenly cutting themself off with a sob before they could finish.

“Sure, of course,” Phil nodded, setting off with Thor again, this time heading in the direction of Dan’s place. “I’m out with Thor at the moment, so I’ll just walk over to yours. You okay with me bringing him? He’ll behave himself.”

“That’s fine,” Dan said, still sounding like they were fighting back tears. “I don’t think I really have the energy for him at the moment, but I don’t mind him being in my house. I just need a little company, maybe even a hug. ” 

“Well, I’m on my way over,” Phil said softly. “I’ll maybe be about ten or fifteen minutes, but I’ll be with you soon.”

“Okay, thank you so much,” Dan sniffed, “Oh, uhh, there’s a spare key buried in the compost of the fuschia. If you could let yourself in, I’d appreciate that, as I’m not sure if I could make it to the door.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, despite Dan not being able to see the action.

As Phil walked, he stayed on the phone with Dan, feeling the need to keep talking to them until he was actually there. He couldn’t be exactly sure how bad a of a place Dan was in until he saw them in person.

There were lots of trees on the road down to Dan’s house, and a few spots where the signal went a little dodgy, where Phil found Dan’s voice breaking up. At this point, he excused himself from the conversation, telling Dan that he was coming along the lane and would be with him in a minute or two.

As Phil turned into Dan’s driveway, he could see that all the curtains were still drawn and the house looked every bit like its owner was still in bed. Phil made his way over to the flowerpot by the front door where a bright pink fuschia guarded the key. It took him a couple of minutes of poking his fingers into the compost but, eventually, he found it. The key was a little muddy, so he brushed it off on his coat, before stepping forward and inserting it into the lock.

As Phil entered Dan’s house, he called out a hello to Dan, letting them know that he was here. Before he made his way to Dan’s room, he crouched down and spoke to Thor. Phil never quite knew how much the dog could understand, but he spoke in a calm voice and let Thor know that he needed to behave and be calm.

Phil knocked on Dan’s door, getting only a weak response of  _ ‘come in’ _ . He opened the door slowly and stepped in, shutting Thor out behind him.

The last time Phil had been in this room, he was taking in the vibe of the decor and how much the room just screamed Dan. Today he took in a sorrier sight: that of Dan lying on the bed, curled up, looking both tearful and in pain. 

“Hey,” Phil said softly, making his way over and sitting on the bed for a moment, leaning down and giving Dan a little hug. “I’m here; you’re going to be okay.”

Pulling back from the hug, Phil kept his hand resting on Dan’s hip, clad only in pyjamas, their top riding up slightly to expose a patch of bare skin.

“What do you need?” Phil said softly, his thumb running over Dan’s skin, “Painkillers? Water? Have you had breakfast?”

“Probably need all of those,” Dan mumbled, curling up a little tighter, their hand slipping into the fold between their stomach and legs. “Ibuprofen’s in the cupboard next to the kitchen window. And if you could make me a bit of toast? With butter and jam? There’s bread in the fridge.”

“Okay, I’ll be back in a couple of minutes then,” Phil told Dan, squeezing their arm before he got up to leave.

Phil hurried through to Dan’s kitchen, passing by a sleeping Thor on the way. Phil was glad he’d got the message to be calm; a nap might make him rather energetic later, but for now, it kept him out of the way. Phil put on Dan’s toast, found the ibuprofen, and filled a big glass with water. When the toast popped up, he put it on a plate and spread it, hoping that Dan liked their jam as thickly spread as he did.

Phil didn’t know if Dan had a tray anywhere, so he stuck the packet of ibuprofen in his pocket and carried the glass and the plate back through to Dan’s room. Dan glanced up as Phil arrived, a hint of a smile on their face, “Thank you.”

“It’s okay,” Phil said, laying the three items on Dan’s bedside table for the moment. “Now, if you can sit up, I’ll pass them over.”

It took Dan a minute to sit up, still resting their head on their knees, but that was enough. Phil had a strong feeling that a bit of medication and some food would help them a lot.

Phil sat down next to Dan and slowly passed over the toast, the water and the ibuprofen, in the order Dan wanted them. Dan was able to help themself, but Phil could feel how much he was being leant on, how Dan was maybe feeling dizzier than they were letting on.

Ten minutes later, with a slice of toast and some pain meds in their stomach, Dan was resting back against the headboard, Phil having shuffled back with them for a little support.

Dan let out a sigh, “Thank you. I think I’ll start feeling a little better soon.”

Now that Dan was settled with something, or rather, _someone_ to lean on, they admitted that the room wasn’t quite spinning so much anymore. That was a big relief for Phil; whilst he was happy to be here for Dan, it was more important that they were feeling okay. Dan suggested that if Phil found their laptop, maybe the two of them could watch something. It took quite a bit of persuasion for Phil to agree to this, but Dan insisted they were okay now that they weren’t trying to move around.

The two put a show on and whilst Dan still seemed uncomfortable at first, it was clear when the painkillers had started working. They slowly relaxed a lot, melting more into Phil’s side as some of the tension seemed to leave their body.

Phil felt quite warm and content with Dan cuddled into his side. Okay, this wasn’t exactly what he’d planned for the day, but he had to admit, it was more enjoyable than hoovering his living room.

When the show was over, Dan quickly abandoned their comfortable spot, sitting up and looking a little anxious. “I should… uhh… probably go to the bathroom. I managed to get there this morning, but I more or less had to crawl.”

“D’you want some help?” Phil asked, “Like I can walk with you if you’re worried about fainting?”

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Dan asked softly, “I think I’d manage it now, but to be on the safe side.”

“Of course,” Phil nodded, getting up from the bed and walking around to the other side, “Take your time getting up, okay?”

Dan nodded, and slowly, with Phil’s arms guiding them, they got to their feet. Phil made sure they went at a slow pace; with his arms around Dan’s middle, they walked through to the bathroom. He left Dan at the sink, making sure they were okay on their feet before he left to give them some privacy.

Phil hung around in Dan’s room, feeling a bit awkward being there by himself, but he wanted to be around for if Dan needed him again. It was a couple of minutes before Dan called him back; they were stood by the sink, holding onto it with a tight grip.

“Hey,” Phil said, wrapping his arms around Dan, “Let’s get you back to bed, yeah?”

“Mmm,” Dan nodded, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder for a moment.

The two walked back to Dan’s bed in a similar careful manner to before, Phil’s arms not dropping from Dan’s sides until they’d touched down on the bed. The two settled down to watch another TV episode, this time on on gardening. If Dan couldn’t do their favourite activity, at least they could live vicariously through someone else.

When lunchtime came around, Phil made himself and Dan some food, heating up some soup and buttering some bread. The energy from breakfast had done Dan some good, so Phil hoped that a proper lunch would help too. 

After they’d eaten, Dan actually got up for a bit, explaining to Phil that they felt okay enough to go and water the plants. Dan accepted Phil’s company, letting him come with them to the greenhouse, knowing that Phil would just worry otherwise.

Dan led Phil out the back door - through the utility room, complete with its muddy boots and piles of dirty laundry. Stepping out onto the patio, bursts of colour invaded Phil’s vision, but that wasn’t his focus today. He kept his eyes on Dan and didn’t move from their side as the two of them walked across the paved ground to the greenhouse.

“These are my babies,” Dan said as the two of them stepped into the humid room of plants, gesturing to the little plants and seedlings all around them. “If only you could grow human babies in a pot of compost; I could deal with that.”

Phil chuckled at Dan’s little comment, finding the image of a human baby growing in compost a little disturbing. He understood where Dan was coming from though, again connecting their body dysphoria with their love for plants. He could imagine Dan taking care of this strange human in a pot, giving it a little water, a little plant food... or maybe baby food? It was clearly in Dan’s nature to take care of things, and Phil loved that about them. They would make a good parent one day, hopefully to a child birthed from a surrogate; that was what Dan wanted.

Phil watched as Dan gently poked their fingers into the compost of some small seedlings to check on their moisture levels. They watered a couple, but others they left alone; they were presumably still wet enough. 

Dan then picked up a bottle of spray and misted an orchid, “I’m trying to get this orchid to flower again. Like with yours, I chopped the stem down to below the last flower, but I’ve also repotted it. I’m keeping it out here to give it a greater variation in temperatures; that’s meant to help.”

Phil nodded, smiling as he tried to take in this piece on information. Whilst he liked plants, he didn’t have Dan’s level of expertise.

Dan stepped across to the other side of the greenhouse where a few plastic boxes with holes sat on a shelf in the corner. They opened one up to reveal some seedpods which must’ve been cracking open; some were still shut and others had been spilling seeds into the box.

“These are lupin seeds,” Dan said softly. “It’s weird how they pop open; if I didn’t keep them in a tub, the seeds would be all over the place. They’re so loud too when they open; I jump out of my skin every time.”

As if on cue, there was a loud crack from one of the tubs and Dan jumped slightly, looking pale for a moment before gripping onto the shelf.

“I swear they can hear me,” Dan panted, one hand still on the shelf and the other rubbing across their waistband. “Ooft, that summoned up some cramps.”

Phil watched as Dan shut their eyes for a moment and took a couple of deep breaths, using the shelf to steady themself. Phil stepped across the greenhouse and brought his arm around Dan’s waist, just as an extra support.

“You okay?” Phil mumbled, “Dizzy?”

“A little,” Dan said quietly, “It’ll pass.”

Phil stayed glued to Dan’s side for the rest of the time they were outside. They were okay in the end, getting back to tending to the plants within a minute, but Phil didn’t want to leave them now.

Once they were back inside, Dan accepted their exhaustion, letting slip a few overwhelmed tears and telling Phil that they wanted to have a little nap. Although they hadn’t done much, they’d been awake for hours, and hadn’t slept well during the night either. Phil, of course, wanted to help them to be as comfortable as possible.

“You can have more painkillers if you need them? What about a hot water bottle or something? Some tea?” he asked as Dan readied themself to get back into bed.

Eventually Dan was settled, curled around a hot water bottle, painkillers taken, and Phil sat by their side. He had done his best, but he could still see that Dan was sad. It pained him to see Dan like this, but he knew it was down to the pain and their mentality around what their body was going through.

The emotions struck harder as Dan shut their eyes and tried to get to sleep. Phil couldn’t see into their head, but he knew how sleep could be hard when there was something else on your mind. He ended up laying down and curling around Dan, running his fingers through their hair, trying to help them relax. Phil promised that he’d stay; that maybe he’d go play with Thor outside, but that he’d be around.

Phil stayed for a while, even after Dan was asleep, not wanting to disturb them. However, eventually he got up, knowing it was about time he gave Thor some attention, maybe even take him outside.

Thor was still sitting calmly in Dan’s living room, but Phil could see he was full of energy, as he bounded across to Phil’s feet the moment he came in the door. Phil took him outside, finding a twig from the road and playing fetch in Dan’s driveway. If there was a way to get him all tired out so he’d behave for the rest of the day, then Phil would take it.

It took a long time for Thor to get tired out, but when his bounding for the stick got slower and slightly less enthusiastic, Phil knew it was time to head back in. First he checked on Dan and confirmed they were still sleeping, then he sat down with Thor in the living room, putting the TV on quietly for something to keep him entertained. Thor curled up on the rug by Phil’s feet and promptly fell asleep, as Phil had hoped.

Phil hadn’t got around to thinking about waking Dan up, but it turned out he didn’t need to. Dan must’ve woken up themself, as they appeared in the living room, blanket around their shoulders and looking better than they had all day. Dan quickly settled in the spot next to Phil, snuggling into his side, but with a soft smile on their face.

“How’re you feeling?” Phil asked softly, curling an arm around Dan in return.

“A lot better, actually,” Dan smiled, “Still not amazing, but I can’t have everything. Thank you so much for helping me and staying all day.”

“It’s no problem, honestly,” Phil said, “I didn’t have anything planned for the day. I’m just glad you’re alright.”

“I don’t know what happened; I’m never this bad,” Dan admitted. “Like I’ll feel mentally shit, yes, but I’ve never been hit so much physically.”

“Have you been overworking yourself recently? Could your body be trying to tell you something?” Phil asked, his voice just a murmur due to their proximity, his lips finding their way to Dan’s forehead to rest a kiss there.

“Wouldn’t say so,” Dan answered, “I don’t know. I just hope that was a once off, because I’m not dealing with that every month.” 

“I know you’ve had a lot of rest today, but what about tomorrow?” Phil asked, concerned, “I don’t want you to overdo it.”

“I’ll work. I’ll be fine,” Dan said firmly, “You’re so concerned, but honestly, I’m going to feel worse mentally if I let this keep me back from my work. I try not to let this body control my life.”

“I’m allowed to be concerned,” Phil said softly, “I’m your boyfriend.  _ I love you. _ ”

“You love me?” Dan echoed, something akin to confusion in their voice.

“Yes, I love you,” Phil said, more firmly. “I’ve gotten to know you so well recently and it just feels right. The thought first crossed my mind last weekend, and I’ve been thinking about it all week. I didn’t want to say it without thinking, but I’ve thought, and I’m sure. I’d put it into a plant metaphor for you, but I’m not quite sure how.”

“It’s like you’re the sun and I’m the plant,” Dan said, thinking aloud. “Without you, I’d be struggling; I’d be sad and damp with tears, no sunlight to dry them up. Without me, you’d be putting your energy into something else I guess?”

“Without you, my sun rays would have no one to shine on,” Phil said with a grin, “That would be pointless.”

“So I’m the plant and you’re the sun,” Dan said, beaming, “I love that… and  _ I love you _ , my sunshine.”

Phil felt the smile on his face grow even more at Dan’s words, feeling such immense happiness that he almost felt like he’d explode.

“Man, you’ve just started shining even brighter,” Dan laughed, tracing his finger over Phil’s smile, trailing his hand to the back of Phil’s head and pulling him in. “C’mere.”

Dan pulled Phil into that kiss, their lips on his, doing something they both loved but could never quite get enough of. Today had been a difficult day for Dan, but it had brought them closer; it had brought to light the feelings, which before now, they had been unsure how to express. Love was complicated, and by no means would it be easy, but by admitting their love to each other, they admitted that they were ready to take on that challenge.

They had to break apart eventually, knowing that the kiss wasn’t going beyond romantic, at least not today. Phil wasn’t going to expect anything sexual from Dan unless they volunteered it, and certainly not when there was something else going on down there.

Phil decided that, to show some more of his love, he would stay there for the rest of the day, cook Dan dinner, and spend the evening giving him some cuddles. Dan happily accepted all these offers, enjoying some time relaxing on the sofa as they watched Phil prepare dinner across the room.

Whilst Phil made bolognaise for he and Dan, he needed to find something for Thor to eat. After being in Dan’s fridge for some other ingredients, he spotted a pile of cucumbers, possibly around twenty.

“Why have you got so many cucumbers?” Phil asked, bewildered, almost laughing as a less innocent thought crossed his mind.

“Oh, I grew them,” Dan said, casually, “Just a lot were ready at once, that’s all. Honestly not sure what I’m going to do with them all.”

“You could have a lot of fun with them, I’m sure,” Phil said, winking, suddenly feeling the need to share that thought with Dan.

“Phii-il,” Dan choked, bursting into laughter at the suggestion. “No.”

“Well why not?” Phil laughed, “Seems like a good plan. If you can’t eat them all, you can always get off on a few.”

“I don’t have that high a sex drive, but sure, I’ll keep you in mind if I do,” Dan laughed... “Wait, the cucumbers, not you! Uhh… though maybe you as well… I’m digging myself into a deeper hole now…”

“ _ A deeper hole _ … Dan stop,” Phil spluttered.

“You started it,” Dan retaliated, his voice suddenly sounding like an annoying child’s.

“I could argue that you did, growing so many of them in the first place,” Phil laughed, almost bent double.

“They didn’t seem like so many when I planted them,” Dan giggled, “But now, yeah, I can see why it looks a bit suspicious.”

“Well,” Phil giggled, “I was just looking for something I could feed Thor, so I’m guessing they’re fair game if you’ve got too many?”

“Yeah, of course,” Dan laughed. “Although excuse me if I laugh at him eating it, I won’t be able to look at them the same for a while.”

“You going to be getting horny every time you open the fridge then?” Phil teased, grabbing one of the cucumbers and posing with it in front of his crotch.

“Shut up,” Dan giggled, clutching his abdomen, “Stop, please.”

Phil was about to retaliate with some other stupid euphemism when he saw Dan looked just slightly in pain.

“Sorry, are you okay?” Phil asked, laying down the cucumber and starting to cross the room, a sudden wave of concern pushing away his fit of giggles.

“I’m fi-ine,” Dan said, drawing out the word. “Just laughing that much gets everything, uhh… flowing?”

“Ew,” Phil said jokingly, coming over to Dan and giving him a little pat on the back. “I’ll stop now. I’ll cut up that ‘vegetable’ for Thor, and then our dinner should be ready to serve.”

“Thank you,” Dan smiled.

Phil cut the cucumber into chunks of a size Thor could manage, then dished them out into a bowl for him. It clearly wasn’t his usual dinner, but Thor would eat most things without much thought. Cucumbers were healthy, at least. Phil would make sure he got some more nutritious dog food later, but this would keep him going for now.

Once Thor had got started on his cucumber, Phil served his and Dan’s dinner, filling two plates with spaghetti bolognaise and taking them over to the sofa. Phil settled down by Dan’s side, handing them a fork for their dinner and tucking into his own.

“Thanks for making this,” Dan smiled, winding some spaghetti onto their fork. “I wouldn't have had the energy to do so myself. I’d have had instant noodles or something, but I know this is going to be much better for me, some actual food to help my body function.”

“No problem,” Phil smiled, winding up a second forkful of his own spaghetti. “I want you to be able to function too, okay. I want to do what I can for you.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a mess,” Dan said, with a little laugh.

“It’s okay,” Phil said, with a small smile, “You’re getting there, getting better.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dan nodded, “I just hope this doesn’t happen again.”

“Maybe you should go to the doctor?” Phil suggested. “I don’t know much about the whole menstruation thing, but surely it shouldn’t be this debilitating, for anyone?”

“I’m gonna hope this was a once off, but if it happens again, I think I will,” Dan agreed.

“Okay, well if it happens again, let me know so I can give you some help for the day, yeah?” Phil said, wanting confirmation that Dan would seek out the help if they needed it.

“Okay,” Dan nodded, looking down at their spaghetti and turning his attention to getting another load onto their fork, “I will.”

The two finished off their spaghetti with a lighter conversation about Dan’s self care over the next couple of days. Phil knew that, until now, Dan must’ve mostly coped by themself at this time of month, so he didn’t want to overstep their boundaries. This was something that Dan would let him in on gradually, as they felt ready. Phil just wanted the peace of mind that they would be looking after themself, that they could deal with it.

“I mentioned yesterday morning that my friend Louise sometimes helps me,” Dan reminded Phil. “Yeah, I was crying to her on the phone last night. That’s why I wasn’t really answering your texts, I was a mess. She was good about it, just reminding me that everything I was feeling was normal, that it’s normal to hurt and feel disgusting. We don’t talk about gender during that conversation; she just reminds me that we’re all humans and it’s something that some of us just have to go through.”

“Sounds like talking to her was just what you needed last night then,” Phil agreed. “I don’t know her, but I’m so glad you have her.”

“Me too,” Dan nodded. “I… I don’t know if I’d be _here_ without her endless support.”

“Oh,” Phil said softly, as he acknowledged the meaning of Dan’s words; Phil didn’t know their mental health had been that low.

“I’m okay most of the time,” Dan said, voice a little rough, “Just sometimes I can’t deal with things and I get into a bad place.”

Feeling Dan tremble slightly, Phil laid his plate of spaghetti down on his legs and brought his arms around Dan. He could feel Dan fighting back sobs, he could feel the shaking in their body.

“Dan,” Phil mumbled, “Are you in one of these bad places at the moment?”

Dan tried to shake his head, choking out a ‘no’, but the way he broke down told Phil otherwise. Phil, knowing he needed to do something more, quickly lifted the remnants of their spaghetti from their knees and placed the plates on the table next to the sofa. Then he let Dan curl up in a ball on his lap, bringing his arms tightly around them.

“Hey,” Phil said softly, pressing his lips to Dan’s head. “You’re not alone. You’re going to be okay. Is there anything I can do for you?”

After a few moments of Dan trying to control their sobs, they choked out a response, “Could you call Louise? I trust you completely, but like, she’s known me longer and I…”

“Of course,” Phil said, giving them a little squeeze, “Your phone?”

Once Dan’s phone was out of their shaking hand and into Phil’s, Phil set about finding Louise in Dan’s contacts. He didn’t know her, but he could be fairly certain that Dan had mentioned him to her.

Louise picked up on the second ring, “Dan?” her voice said softly, “You okay? You haven’t replied all day?”

“It’s Phil, Dan’s uhh... boyfriend,” Phil said, a little unsure what to say, “I don’t know if they’ve mentioned me?”

“Of course, they won’t shut up about you,” Louise said, bringing a hint of a smile to Phil’s face. “Anyway, is Dan okay? You’re with him, I’m guessing?”

“Physically, they’re okay, but they weren’t doing so well on that front earlier,” Phil told her, stalling a little. “Mentally, Dan’s not really okay. They’re in my lap in tears…”

Phil paused for a moment to run his hand through the hair on the back of Dan’s head, trying to comfort them a little, “They were saying about how they might not be here if it wasn’t for your support and I think they’re in a bad place at the moment.”

“Oh, gosh, okay…” Louise said, after a pause, “Are you two at Dan’s?”

“Yeah we are,” Phil confirmed.

“Well, I’m going to come over, okay? I’ll be about fifteen minutes; just stay with them, don’t leave them alone,” Louise said, sounding a little rushed. “Right, I’m starting to get organised. Can you tell me what they’ve been through today, just to the best of your knowledge?”

“Yeah, okay,” Phil said, thinking for a moment, then starting to explain Dan’s day. “So I usually go and see Dan on my morning dog walk, but they weren’t there, so, confused, I texted them. They weren’t feeling well and asked if they could call me. So on the phone Dan was telling me about how they got their period last night and that they were feeling super sore and dizzy. They pretty much straight out asked if I could come over, so I’ve been here ever since. I got them sorted with painkillers and food. We did go outside to water the plants at one point, but other than that they’ve spent the day in bed or on the sofa. I made us dinner, but then we got talking and things have gone a bit downhill, mentally.”

“Okay, sounds like they’ve had a bit of a rough day,” Louise agreed, “But they’ll be fine, honestly. Just give me ten minutes and I’ll be there to help you get things sorted out.”

“Thank you,” Phil smiled, despite her not being able to see. “I’ll see you soon.”

Phil ended the call and turned his full attention back to Dan, “Louise is on her way.”

Phil continued to hold Dan for the following ten minutes. The conversation had kind of died now that Phil didn’t know what to say, but he knew they’d just have to wait for the arrival of Louise to get things sorted out. Dan had been crying, but with time, they seemed to get tired of that, tears drying up as they just sniffled miserably into Phil’s chest.

When Louise arrived, she came straight in, calling out she was here and walking into the living room. Phil concluded she must have a key. Phil took in her appearance; he’d been unsure what to expect from Dan’s best friend, but this warm-looking, blonde-haired lady in front of him seemed to exude some sort of cheerful aura. He looked forward to getting to know her.

“Hi,” Louise said, introducing herself to Phil, “You must be Phil.”

Phil looked up at her with a slightly worried smile, “Yes, hi.”

Even Dan acknowledged her presence, turning their head slightly and mumbling something that sounded like ‘Lou’.

“Dan,” Louise said softly, sitting down next to Phil in the spot where Dan had been before they crawled into Phil’s lap.

Louise brought one hand onto Dan’s back and, after okaying it with Phil, slipped a hand between the two of them, giving Dan a kind of hug from the side.

“Dan, I need you to take a few deep breaths and then I need your thoughts,” Louise mumbled to them, “We’ve done this before, okay.”

Phil watched on silently as Louise rubbed Dan’s back and guided them through a breathing exercise. Dan still clung tightly onto him, so he knew he was still providing some sort of support. After a few minutes, Louise managed to get Dan to emerge from Phil’s chest and start talking.

“I’m uhh… feeling a bit self destructive I guess… I can’t get my mind off my body and it’s making me feel a bit sick,” Dan said, choking a little on their words, “Like I kind of want to leave it. Y’know sometimes dying doesn’t sound so bad, when I think about how it would get me out of this body.”

Phil tensed up when he heard Dan’s words, but Louise had more of a calm reaction, as if she’d heard it all before, “Dan, I’m going to get your duvet and we’re going to turn you into a formless blob for a bit.”

Phil didn’t question Louise’s logic, keeping his close hold on Dan while Louise went to get their duvet. With Louise out the room, they curled back into Phil a little; clearly craving the contact. Phil pressed a little kiss to Dan’s head and mumbled an ‘I love you’, hoping that Dan felt all of the support that he was trying to give.

When Louise returned with the duvet, she had to tempt Dan out of Phil’s lap to wrap them up in it. Once Dan’s duvet was snugly wrapped around them, they snuggled against Phil’s side, resting their head on his shoulder.

Louise then wandered over to the kitchen, saying that she was going to make Dan some tea. Both Dan and Phil watched as she put the kettle onto boil and took out a mug and a teabag as if she lived here. Phil could see that this was a situation they’d been in many times before.

“Lemon and ginger,” Louise said softly as she sat down at Dan’s other side, a mug in her hands. “This should help you feel a bit better.”

Dan’s hands emerged from under the duvet and, despite them shaking a little, Louise plopped the mug of tea into the space between them, letting it rest on their lap.

“Might be a minute or two before it’s cool enough to drink,” Louise warned them, “But just hold it in the meantime.”

Phil hoped that being sandwiched between him and Louise wouldn’t overwhelm Dan, but if anything, it seemed to be doing them good. They had two arms around them, two of their most loved people at their sides. When Dan did get onto sipping the mug of tea, the steam going up their nose and resulted in Louise having to get some tissues. Phil guessed they were probably all bunged up from crying, so that would be a good thing.

Dan blew their nose, finished off their tea, then sat back, resting their head on Phil’s shoulder again.

“Thanks Lou,” Dan said softly, as they handed her back the empty mug.

“It’s okay,” Louise smiled softly, setting the mug down on the coffee table. “Did that help at all?”

“I feel a little more clear headed, yeah,” Dan nodded, “And being between you two is really cosy and makes me feel safe. I think I’d like to stay here a while.”

“That’s good,” Louise said, looking quite relieved, “We both love you being here. Even if you’re feeling down, that’s okay, we still love you.”

Phil backed up Louise’s words by tightening his arm around Dan’s shoulders and giving them a little squeeze, “And I will stay with you as long as you need me to.”

Phil and Louise sat with Dan for a long time, bringing them into a conversation to keep their mind occupied and not wandering away to dark places. As it got late, Louise brought up the issue that one of them should stay with Dan, that they shouldn’t really be alone tonight.

“So Phil, who’s staying with Dan tonight, me or you?” Louise asked, “What are your commitments?”

“Well I have work in the morning and a dog who might appreciate a proper dinner,” Phil explained, “But if I took Dan to mine, that could work?”

“When does work start for you?” Louise asked, “I have a meeting in another city at eight-thirty so I’ll have to leave pretty early.”

“Nine,” Phil said, pausing to think for a moment, “But I work from home on Saturdays so theres a chance I could on a Tuesday if I ask?”

“Sounds like they’ll be best at yours either way,” Louise concluded. “If you can work from home, that’s probably best, but don’t worry if you can’t. I think by the morning, they’ll be okay… won’t you Dan?”

Dan nodded uncertainly, clearly having tuned out of the conversation.

“Are you okay with coming to mine for the night?” Phil asked Dan directly, “Louise and I’ll help you get an overnight bag sorted; you won’t need to worry about anything.”

“As long as I have pads, painkillers and pyjamas, I’m good,” Dan nodded, “And maybe some cuddles?”

“I think I can arrange that,” Phil smiled, running his hand down Dan’s arm.

“I’ll go and get your things sorted,” Louise said softly, ruffling her hand through Dan’s hair. “Pads, pyjamas and painkillers, I can manage that… and maybe a toothbrush and your hot water bottle, your medication to take in the morning... Dan, did you even take it this morning?”

Louise looked down at Dan as they shook their head, “Okay, well make sure you take it tomorrow, yeah?”

Dan nodded and Louise left to get a bag together for them. Phil didn’t want to seem nosey, but at this point he felt it was important he knew what Dan was taking medication for.

“Dan, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s your medication for?” Phil asked cautiously.

“Uhm… antidepressants,” Dan said, after a pause.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, slightly shocked at this new piece of information but not wanting to ask any more intrusive questions at the moment. “I’ll try and remind you to take it in the morning. Did you forget today or did you feel uncomfortable telling me?”

“I forgot,” Dan admitted, “And usually it's not the end of the world if I forget the odd day, but I don’t know if that factored in on me feeling extra shitty this evening.”

“I’ll put a reminder in my phone,” Phil said, bringing his phone out of his pocket and setting about creating a reminder for the morning. “Let’s not have you forgetting two days in a row.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s side.

Once Phil had set the reminder, he sent off a quick text to his boss. Even if he didn’t get a reply, it was worth at least asking about tomorrow.

_ Any chance I could work from home tomorrow? My partner’s not feeling too good and I’d rather not leave them home alone. _

Phil didn’t expect a reply until the morning, but he had one within about five minutes:

_ That’s fine, Phil, no problem. Will send you some stuff by email in the morning _

Phil smiled, letting Dan know of the news, that he would be working from home so they wouldn’t have to worry about getting up early.

When Louise returned, with a holdall packed for Dan, Phil told her the news too, knowing she would be relieved to hear that Dan would have the company for as long as they needed. The three got ready to leave; Louise would drive Dan, Phil and Thor over to Phil’s house as Phil had walked here and Dan wasn’t quite in a place to drive.

After a short drive to Phil’s house, it was time for everyone to settle down for the night. Phil let Thor have some proper dog food, then let him out to go to the bathroom. He suggested that Dan get changed into their pyjamas whilst he filled up their hot water bottle and a glass of water for their bedside.

Dan was ready for bed first, but Phil joined them shortly after, climbing under the covers and snuggling up to Dan, draping an arm around their waist, hand resting on their stomach - or rather, their hot water bottle.

\--

In the morning, Phil had to convince Dan to take the day off work; there was no way he would let them go until he was sure that everything was okay. Dan wasn’t exactly happy about taking a second day in a row off, but they were their own boss, so it didn’t matter quite so much.

Phil, doing his best to look after both Dan’s physical and mental health, made sure to remind them to take their medication. He also refilled Dan’s hot water bottle; despite most of their pain having dissipated, he wanted to do what he could.

Phil sat at his desk and worked on the video his boss had asked him to edit. It was a client they worked with regularly, so he knew what he had to do. The email from his boss explained the specifics and gave him the links to download the files. A curious Dan joined him after a while, complaining that a sleeping Thor wasn’t quite such good company. Phil laughed at this and let Dan sit by him, explaining a little of the editing process as he went about it. Whilst some of his work had to be kept secret, this would be public at the end of the day, and he knew the contract for this job had no problem with outsiders seeing it.

Later in the day, Dan opened up a little more about their mental health and the antidepressants, explaining that, “I wouldn’t be able to deal with my identity and how it makes me feel without a little help. I’ve never been suicidal, although it maybe sounded a little like that last night. It’s just an invasive thought which infiltrates my mind sometimes, and I can need a little help to push it away. I slightly hate the fact I have to take medication to function, but I’m thankful for it. I’m just like a weak plant, needing a little extra fertiliser to get by.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 10 days. Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


	9. Let My Tree Grow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Katie [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing this and helping me make this kinda tricky chapter something decent! This was such a hard chapter to write, hence the delay, but I'm doing my best.

It took a few days for Dan to get back to their usual self. Whilst Phil let them go home, he made sure to check up on them over the following through days with phonecalls which started as just little check ups and ended up being hours long. Phil knew that Dan was feeling better when their depressing plant metaphors turned into happier ones, when they admitted that it felt like the sun had come out over their life once more.

Saturday night at Phil’s brought out a different side of Dan, one that seemed more confident, more passionate, more sexual. They’d initiated things, climbing into Phil’s lap to kiss him, one hand on the back of Phil’s head pulling him closer, the other slowly creeping under the edge of his shirt. Phil loved every little bit of this, but it left him questioning how far this would lead. He felt a little confused, not because of where Dan’s hands were going, but he didn’t know what their intentions were.

Phil decided to just roll with it, see where things led, but as Dan’s hands worked their way up his chest and their body pressed harder against him, he felt quite turned on, felt something growing which he didn’t know whether to keep from Dan. Phil knew he was tense; he was holding back and trying to think about the situation, when suddenly Dan asked if they could take his shirt off. Worried that Dan wasn’t ready for this, Phil gently placed a hand on their shoulder to hold them back, mumbling to ‘just hold on’.

Phil paused for a second to take a deep breath, then returned his hands to Dan’s hips. “Dan, before we do anything, I need to have an idea of where you’re at with sexual stuff?”

Dan nodded, visibly paling a little, but not saying anything.

“I can see you’re into this, but I could do with an idea of what you would do and what’s a completely out of the question?” Phil explained softly, trying to make sure Dan was on his wavelength.

“I-” Dan started, sitting up tall with tense shoulders, “I get what you mean, but I.. uhh...”

“Here,” Phil murmured, encouraging Dan to relax against him, “Come cuddle for a bit.”

It only took a little encouragement for Dan to settle in Phil’s arms, their head against his, chin on his shoulder. Once Dan seemed comfortable, Phil ran a hand up and down their back, “You know, I’m happy if you want to try something, I’d just like to know what you’re comfortable with first?”

“I think…” Dan said, a little hesitantly, “I’d be happy trying something more one-sided to start with, get to know you a bit better, physically, before we actually do anything together.”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, thinking about what that meant for him. “That’s a good start. I’m happy with whatever really. Now… what about one sided but the other way? I presume you masturbate sometimes? D’you think you would let me touch you there? I’m not saying now, but sometime?”

Dan nodded gently, “Maybe? Probably? I don’t think I’ll know for sure until I’m in the situation, but I think so.”

“Okay, I think I get you,” Phil said, feeling the need to assure Dan that he knew what they were talking about. “I can work with that. You let me know what you want and I won’t do anything I’m unsure of without asking first.”

The two sat quietly for a while, Phil’s hands still slowly moving around Dan’s back, one experimentally slipping up under their shirt and resting on the small of their back. Whilst Phil had intended that as an innocent gesture, the contact seemed to encourage Dan to pick up where they’d left off. Dan brought their hands up to hold the sides of Phil’s face and brought their lips met once more. The two quickly moved even closer, Dan’s hands moving to explore Phil’s back. It wasn’t long before Phil felt turned on again, but this time he could enjoy Dan moving around on his lap without worrying about the consequences.

When Dan’s hands fiddled with the hem of his shirt again, Phil had no reservations about letting them take it off. Dan’s hands ran along his sides and helped the shirt over his head before settling on his chest, fingers winding their way into his chest hair.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dan said softly, their hands running over Phil’s chest, thumbs delicately flicking over his nipples.

Phil blushed a little, enjoying the sensations of Dan’s hands. He let himself react to all that Dan did to him; their mouth on his, their fingers playing with his nipples, caressing the skin of his chest right the way down to his waistband. He let out a satisfied noise as Dan’s teeth brushed his lower lip, squirmed at the touch to his nipples, let them know how much he was enjoying this.

Phil found himself getting quite hard, he could feel it, and he was fairly certain that Dan would be able to feel it too. When Dan shuffled off of his lap, Phil had a moment's panic, but when they settled their hand atop his bulge, he was filled with a relieved excitement.

“Is this okay?” Dan asked softly, their hand squeezing gently, moving up and down a little, clearly trying to get their bearings.

“Definitely,” Phil grinned, trying to control himself, at least until Dan got used to this.

Dan got a little more daring with time, their hand running smoothly over Phil's clothed erection. Phil slowly lost his self-control, giving in to making little noises, little grunts, letting Dan know he was enjoying himself.

Phil couldn't get enough of this, but he didn't know how to tell Dan that he wanted more. He hoped Dan would get the idea on his own, sooner or later.

Not wanting to come in his pants, Phil let Dan know he was starting to get close, and that seemed to be all the encouragement they needed to take the next step. Dan's hands moved up to Phil's waistband, asking permission to get his trousers down.

Phil nodded, choked out a 'please’, begging to be freed from their confines. Dan smiled, albeit a little hesitantly, and with a little help from Phil, they got his trousers down to his knees.

Phil felt quite exposed now that his boxers were the only thing covering him. He watched Dan's eyes go wide as they took in the shape beneath the fabric.

Still staring intently at his dick, or rather the outline of it, Dan gulped, swallowing in such a way that screamed 'nervous’ at Phil.

“You okay?” Phil asked, reaching his hand out to Dan’s hip.

“M good,” Dan nodded, a slightly anxious smile on their face as they reached out a hand to touch Phil through the fabric of his boxers.

Phil grinned as Dan started touching him again; he could see they were slowly gaining confidence. It felt amazing, maybe because this was Dan’s hand and not his own. He wanted more, wanted Dan’s hand on him without the barrier of fabric between them.

“Dan,” Phil spoke up, knowing there wasn’t long before he came in his boxers, “Stop for a second.”

Dan’s hand uncurled from around Phil’s erection and moved away, the two of them making eye contact.

“Are you… if you want to actually get me off properly, without the boxers... I’m not gonna last much longer,” Phil told Dan, his voice catching a couple of times.

“Oh, okay,” Dan said, smiling, his hand returning to Phil, this time to his waistband, “Sorry, I’m a bit of a novice.”

“You’re doing great,” Phil encouraged, “First time’s are always hard, especially when you don’t know the anatomy. I’d be in the same position were this situation reversed.”

Phil could almost see the relief in Dan’s eyes at that, but he couldn’t think about it for long, because while he was distracted by the brown orbs in front of him, a hand hand slipped down into his boxers, touching him teasingly. Phil didn’t have time to control his reaction, thrusting into the palm of Dan’s hand, letting out a little noise.

Dan’s hand moved away, but only for a moment, helping his boxers down his hips to join his trousers at his knees. Dan’s eyes went wide as he saw Phil’s dick in the flesh, but they seemed to take it in their stride, wrapping a hand around Phil properly now.

Phil moaned as Dan stroked him, slow at first and then faster upon Phil’s request. Phil was guiding them with a few tips, suggesting a little spit on the hand to make things smoother, prompting them to speed up, explaining that yes, touching his tip did feel good too. Things progressed quickly and Dan seemed unfazed by Phil’s intensifying reactions. He warned Dan when he was getting really close, when he knew his orgasm was imminent. With this being Dan’s first time doing anything like this, he didn’t want to come without warning.

He gave Dan a choice, “Do you want me to come in a tissue or are you okay with a little mess on your hand?”

“I’m good,” Dan nodded and smiled, continuing to jerk their hand up and down Phil’s length, “I wanna see it.”

Dan’s low, almost sultry tone was unexpected, but it was just the level of engagement Phil needed from Dan. They weren’t showing much arousal, but that voice was something.

It only took a couple more strokes from Dan to have Phil coming, his body jerking up into Dan’s hands as he lost control of inhibitions, moaning a soft ‘nngghh’ as he spurted white across Dan’s hand. Dan worked him through it, their thumb rubbing across Phil’s tip when he’d finished, softly swiping some of the fluid away.

When Phil was done, he melted back into the sofa, breathing deeply, trying to comprehend his euphoria about what they’d just done. Dan looked a little in awe and a little confused as to what to do with their hand, but soon found themself falling into the sofa next to Phil, the two of them processing things together.

Dan nuzzled his face into Phil’s neck and Phil tipped his head slightly against Dan’s, “Thank you for that. You did really well.”

“Thanks for guiding me through it,” Dan said softly, “It probably wasn’t the best but I’m sure I’ll be better next time.”

“Having you touch me made it special,” Phil said, making sure his honesty didn’t get taken the wrong way. “It was amazing for your first time and I’m sure you’ll get even better with some practice.”

Phil winked while saying ‘some practice’, suggesting that he wanted this to happen again.

“Thank you,” Dan smiled, giggling at Phil’s wink, “And for my first time actually seeing a dick in person, I loved it.”

The two settled into a slightly sticky cuddle, which lasted until Dan realised that their sticky hand was nothing in comparison to what Phil had to deal with. After asking Phil what was best, they got up to retrieve some damp tissue to help Phil get cleaned up. 

When things were comfortable once more, they relaxed into each other’s arms once more, talking over the experience a little, talking about Dan’s boundaries, talking about what their next step together might be. It was clear that this handjob experience with Phil had given Dan some confidence and shown them that sexual acts weren’t necessarily something to be nervous about.

\--

Dan found that a new type of confidence came from being intimate with Phil. They had seen a different, private side of him. They had given Phil the pleasure that led to his orgasm, and that felt so special to Dan. Touching Phil was something that they wanted to do again, and they were starting to consider letting their roles be reversed and having Phil touch  _ them _ . Dan had trusted Phil for a while, but that night only magnified those feelings.

Dan found themself opening up to Phil a lot more over the following days, talking about the level of intimacy they were willing to share, explaining to Phil how they felt a lot more ready to try something more. Dan went over a few boundaries: that they’d like to keep a top on during any sexual activity, and that they’d rather be at their own house, at least to start with. Phil accepted all of this easily; he wanted Dan to be as comfortable as possible. Even before Dan’s explanation, he knew that it would be a bit touch and go, that they’d have to work together to make sure everything was okay.

\--

A day came when the two were at Dan’s, having returned from being out for dinner, but as evening progressed into nighttime, lazily kisses progressed into something else. Dan crawled into Phil’s lap and the kissing became almost desperate, their bodies moving against each other, friction building between their rolling hips. They were both turned on and not afraid to show it. So far, Phil’s shirt was the only item of clothing missing, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t be that way for long.

Phil was cautious, paying attention to Dan’s body language, but also checking verbally that things were okay. A hand on their crotch was one step, then curling his fingers up between their legs was another. Dan, understandably, seemed a little nervous - Phil could feel they were tense and, seeing some uncertainty in their eyes, paused to establish that everything was okay. Then, Phil leant in again and as they kissed, he found Dan’s hand and placed it atop his, mumbling softly into their ear, “Guide me to where feels good.”

Dan stuttered a little as they tried to explain to Phil, a little caught up in the terminology they should use for their parts. They guided Phil’s hand a little to make them feel good, but it was only seconds before Dan was finding their trousers were really in the way. Frustrated, they fiddled with their button and zip puller, letting Phil’s hand in a bit closer.

Phil’s fingers curled into Dan’s warmth once more, this time able to feel a little dampness. With Phil’s fingers so much closer, curling into one area, rubbing against another, Dan reacted so much more, squeezing their legs around Phil’s hands, making little breathy noises that verged on moans.

Hips rolling together, the two collided for another kiss; Dan was involved enough, but cut it strangely short. Phil felt puzzled for a moment, but with Dan’s torso was sprawled on top of his, he could feel their heavy breathing.

Phil stilled the movements of his right hand and brought his left onto Dan’s back, “Stop and take a breather for a minute, yeah, you okay?”

“M fine,” Dan nodded, inhaling loudly.

“I think if we’re going any further you should change out of your binder,” Phil suggested, running his hand down Dan’s back, “Maybe a sports top would suit?”

“Yeah, good plan,” Dan nodded, exhaling and leaning into Phil a little more.

“Let’s head to your room,” Phil said, removing his hand from Dan’s crotch for the time being.

As much as he wanted to, Phil couldn’t quite muster up the strength to pick Dan up and carry him there. It’d be hot to have Dan’s legs around his waist, but he’d save that thought for another time. The two got up from the sofa, and Phil settled for winding his arm around Dan as they shuffled through to Dan’s room.

Dan let their jeans fall to the floor as they approached their drawers, stepping out of them as they tugged the shirt from over their head. Phil averted his eyes as he saw Dan started to tug their binder of their head, respecting what Dan wanted to keep private. Phil busied himself with removing the fluffy blanket from the end of Dan’s bed, as it would be one less thing for them to think about washing. He kept his jeans on for the time being; despite them being a bit tight, he didn’t want to do anything Dan wasn’t comfortable with.

When Dan turned around, now in just a sports bra and boxers, Phil smiled at them, proud of their confidence. Phil hadn’t seen them in this little before and he couldn’t even imagine how much courage it took. He slowly walked over to Dan, opening his arms wide for a hug and waiting for a little nod to say it was okay. When Dan smiled and stepped forward into his embrace, Phil wrapped his arms around them and slowly ran their hands down Dan’s sides.

“You look good,” Phil mumbled into Dan’s neck, “Proud of you.”

Dan mumbled a ‘thank you’ into Phil’s chest while Phil’s hands slid a bit lower to rest on their waistband.

“Should we get back to where we were?” Phil asked, the fingers of his right hand fiddling with Dan’s waistband for a moment before leaving it alone and returning to cup Dan through the front of his boxers.

“Please,” Dan said, their voice soft but almost desperate.

Phil led them the few steps back towards the bed, where it took them a moment to get settled, but Phil had his hand back where it needed to be in seconds.

Phil, with a little more guidance from Dan, soon had his finger rubbing against a spot which was clearly making them feel good. It had them squirming, trying to grind against Phil’s hand, making little noises which Phil could tell they were restraining.

Phil, seeing Dan like this, was quite hard himself, but he did his best to keep his arousal at the back of his mind. He wanted nothing more than to see Dan reach a high. He wanted to touch them properly, without this barrier of fabric. He settled his left hand on Dan’s waistband, “Can I?”

Dan nodded, smiled, told Phil, “Yes.”

Phil, with both hands, hooked his fingers under Dan’s waistband and gently slipped the boxers down past a triangle of brown curls, down their thighs, to their feet and, finally, to the floor beside the bed.

“Do you want to take your jeans off?” Dan asked as they watched their underwear settle on the floor. “Just, I’d feel less exposed and I’m guessing you’re kind of uncomfortable there.”

Phil felt quite relieved that Dan had asked this of him, nodding and dropping them to the floor without any fuss. He and Dan quickly got settled back how they were before, desperate to continue.

Not wanting to overwhelm Dan, Phil started the direct contact by curling a finger into the hair Dan had down there. He looked into Dan’s eyes for a nod of assurance that they were still okay before plunging his finger into the wet warmth he knew lay ahead. 

When Phil found that spot again, this time, Dan was unable to hold back, a soft moan escaping their lips, their body grinding into the touch. Pleased with the response, Phil continued, adjusting his hand so he could slide a finger further back, maybe even inside.

It took another ‘okay’ from Dan to have Phil sliding his finger fully inside. There was no resistance. Phil had a rough idea which way to curl his fingers, but he was learning as he went, thrusting them in and out just a little to start with, hoping to do his best to pleasure Dan.

If Phil thought Dan’s first moan was good, those that followed were even better. Phil felt that he’d fully broken down that wall, Dan seemed to have lost the ability to hold back, moving against Phil’s hand, legs squeezing against Phil’s hand periodically as if to pull him in further.

Things were getting to a stage that Phil was wondering if an orgasm was imminent, but he didn’t know Dan’s body well enough to tell. Phil knew that if it did happen, it might very well be a surprise to both of them; from what he’d gathered, Dan wasn’t exactly familiar with their body either.

It was just after Phil thought things were going uphill when they started to go down. Dan seemed to shudder, his eyes squeezed shut and Phil thought that was something, but then he was feeling resistance around his fingers. Things suddenly became tight, a little more awkward, then Dan’s hands were on his chest, “Phil, Stop.”

Phil pulled his fingers out the moment he heard that. He’d gathered something was wrong, but it all happened so fast that he must’ve come to that realisation at the same time as Dan. He moved away from Dan completely, breaking all contact until he established what was appropriate.

There were tears on Dan’s face, one’s which Phil felt the urge to wipe away, but first they had to talk, to figure out what went wrong, “Dan, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Dan silently climbed into Phil’s waiting arms, the tears on their face rolling onto Phil’s shoulder. It was only when Phil’s arms were snugly wrapped around them that Dan spoke up

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what I’m doing,” Dan sobbed, “Any time I’ve masturbated I get to that stage and I just seem to like dry up. I thought it would be different with you touching me but… I don’t know how do it properly…”

“It’s okay,” Phil said softly, pressing small kisses to Dan’s forehead. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve got all the time in the world to figure it out, so don’t stress.”

“But.. I..” Dan started, their voice choked up.

“Dan,” Phil said softly, “Let’s not worry about this at the moment. Let’s focus on you being okay. Do you hurt at all?”

“A little,” Dan nodded, “But it’ll be okay; it’s no worse than when it’s happened before.”

“Can I do anything for you?” Phil asked.

“Just... cuddles,” Dan said so softly, voice so fragile that they sounded like they were going to break.

“Okay,” Phil nodded, giving Dan a little squeeze, then reaching out one hand to grab the corner of Dan’s duvet. “But let me know if there’s anything else?”

Phil pulled the duvet up around them; now that they were still, they would get cold fast. Plus, Phil knew how comforting a blanket or a duvet could be, and Dan needed that. Dan stayed curled up in Phil’s lap for a while, each of them only in one item of clothing, but in a moment this intimate, that didn’t seem to matter. All that mattered was that Dan was okay, both physically and emotionally, and that they knew that this didn’t change anything.

Nothing else happened that night, other than the two getting up to get ready for bed properly. Dan was feeling a bit sticky, so they took a shower. Meanwhile Phil put a fresh sheet on Dan’s bed; it wasn’t bad, but Phil wanted Dan to be as comfortable as possible for the night. Finally, dressed in pyjamas with fresh minty breath, the two got into bed properly, curling up together to sleep.

In the morning they had a more calm and collected conversation about what had gone down. Dan had obviously spent some time thinking overnight, and told Phil that they might experiment a little more alone before thinking of doing anything else with him.

Phil, while he didn’t have any directly relatable personal experience, gave Dan a few suggestions. “When you do try masturbating, make sure you have plenty of time and nothing to worry about. Maybe try and relax for a bit beforehand, watch something to get you turned on. I’m not an expert, but I would suggest you see if some lube helps? I felt a lot of resistance at the end there and I don’t know if that’s because you lost interest or your body couldn’t quite keep up?”

“I don’t know either,” Dan nodded, “I could give that a go.”

“Or maybe even a dildo or something if you think you need something more, but don’t push yourself too far?” Phil said, spilling another thought for his mind. “And go into it without expectations - I feel like last night you were maybe focussing too hard on reaching an orgasm or something? I would try going into it with a mindset of just enjoying yourself and making yourself feel good.”

Dan nodded, “That’s a good point. Now I think about it, I guess I was thinking about trying to reach an orgasm or something.”

“Okay, well take your time with this; don’t do anything when you don’t feel like it,” Phil advised him, “If you want to talk about anything, I don’t quite have the personal experience, but I’m happy to listen. And if you get to the stage that you are ready to try out something with me again, just say. I don’t have any expectations of you but I wouldn’t be opposed to you helping me out again if that’s something you want?”

Dan nodded along, making mental notes of Phil’s advice, for when they did need it. They felt like that would be a long time coming, but they were grateful all the same.

\--

It was a couple of weeks on from that night and the two of them hadn’t even talked about anything sexual since. Their time together had been spent chatting, laughing, cuddling - they didn't need sex to have a good time.

Phil had got stuck into another project at work, and Dan was still working hard at all his gardening jobs. Sometimes they found it hard to meet up during the week; they were usually both tired after a long day at work. Phone calls in the evenings had to suffice most of the time, but there were some days when one would drive to the other's house and they would hang out for the evening.

On Saturday afternoon, while Phil was hard at work in his home office, a text popped in from Dan. He hoped it might be them suggesting a time to meet this weekend; he missed them. He opened up the message and while it wasn’t quite what he expected to see, he was still happy for the excuse to talk to Dan.

_ Can I call you? Want to tell you something important _

Phil, instantly curious as to what was important, quickly replied.

_ Of course <3 _

Phil only had to wait a few seconds for Dan's name to flash up on the screen, for his phone to start ringing in his hand.

“So you remember the cucumbers?” Dan said instantly, as soon as the phone was connected.

Phil was a little taken aback, confused by Dan's conversation starter, "Yeahh... all the ones you had in your fridge like a month ago?"

“Yeah, well some of them I gave to a neighbour and some of them I ate, but they all went,” Dan explained.

"Yeah?" Phil asked, still a little puzzled, "What about them?"

“Well I had a second harvest,” Dan said, almost giggling.

"I don't get it," Phil admitted, "Nice, you got some vegetables, but what's important?"

“Remember your suggestion for them?” Dan laughed.

“I fed one to Thor…" Phil said slowly, thinking, then coming to a slow realisation, "Or d’you mean…?”

Phil heard a warm laugh at the other end of the line, "Yeah."

“You used one as a dildo?” Phil said, quite surprised; he felt it would have taken Dan a lot longer to get to this.

“I mean, why get a rubber one when you can grow one in your garden?” Dan laughed, “Yes; yes, I did."

Phil, still surprised, but instantly a little proud, felt he had to ask, "How was it?"

“Really fucking good," Dan admitted, and Phil could almost picture the smile that must be radiating on their face, "Lube, a condom, this big fuck off cucumber. I had a special time with it last night.”

"Sounds amazing," Phil groaned, “But like… on a more serious note… what’s happened between the time we tried something and now?”

“I guess I just felt horny?” Dan suggested. “I’m honestly not too sure, but I’d thought about your suggestions and I’d bought some lube. I was waiting for a day when I felt like trying something, and I guess the subconscious thought in the back of my mind had an effect on me. I started touching myself and it felt good, and I wanted something more, so I took onboard your suggestion and went and picked myself a cucumber. I’ll admit, it wasn’t the biggest one, but it was enough.”

“I’m proud of you,” Phil said softly. “I’ll admit, I’m a bit surprised, but I’m happy that you managed to figure this out.”

“Me too,” Dan said, and Phil could almost feel the smile he knew would be on their face.

“I’d ask you to tell me more, but I’m meant to be working and the last thing I need is to be turned on,” Phil laughed.

"You want a cucumber up your arse?" Dan giggled.

"I'm certainly not opposed to the idea," Phil admitted, "But I'll leave it up to you what we do next?"

"Well, next time we see each other who knows what might happen?" Dan said suggestively. "I think I'm up for something a bit more advanced than a cucumber."

"Ready when you are," Phil grinned, telling Dan he was up for it, but with that little assurance that he would wait until they were sure they were ready.

Dan stayed silent for a moment, presumably thinking, "Well it might not be the next time I see you because I'm kind of due for a certain monthly curse, but after that."

"Okay, I'll look forward to it then," Phil said softly, "And like let me know if you need anything over the next few days, love. If that's a bit of company, cuddles, even going to the shop for you, just give me call or text, okay?"

"Thank you," Dan said, sounding relatively cheerful despite the subject matter.

"Well maybe you can use this possibility of something more than a cucumber as motivation to help you get through this rough time?" Phil suggested, "I don't know if that'll help, but there's light at the end of the tunnel."

"Like a plant struggling through a drought, but there's rain in the forecast," Dan nodded, "I'll get there."

"Well just shout if you need me to come over with the hosepipe," Phil laughed, playing along with Dan's little metaphor. "I love this little plant and I'll do anything to help them."

"Of course, I will if I need to," Dan said, their voice a little soft.

Phil, hearing a little hint of emotion in Dan's voice and feeling the desire to see them again, quickly thought over his plans for the evening for after he was done with work. He really just wanted to chill, and there was a certain person he quite enjoyed doing that with.

"D'you want to come over later?" Phil asked aloud, "We can just chill together for the evening? Get some food, watch something, you can stay over if you'd like?"

"Sounds good," Dan said, "I've been getting some housework done today; I wanted to rake my lawn, but the rain hasn't stopped all morning and I know it's going to be too wet now. I could do with a little time to relax."

"Nice, well I'll see you later then," Phil said cheerfully, continuing on to suggest a time to Dan.

The two finalised details for their plans for later, but eventually drew the call to a close as Phil really had to get back to his work. Their evening would be a nice calm atmosphere for both of them, where the two could relax together and maybe talk more about Dan's adventures with the cucumber. As two introverts, they had found peace in each other, and like man and tree, had learned to live and grow in harmony, providing for each other through the tough times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 10 days? Hopefully I wont be a week late next time. Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


	10. More Than a Cucumber

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I allowed to post this and say nothing? Even though its been almost three months? I have absolutely no excuse other than being sick in November but that only lasted a few days, so not really an excuse... and there was a chapter in-between which I wrote half of then scrapped. Anyway, I’m back now and trying to get on with writing the remaining few chapters of this fic. Thank you so much Katie [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing this for me despite it having been so long since the last one! You will all be pleased to know that I have in fact also finished chapter 11, so there won’t be such a gap again. Thank you to everyone who still reads despite the delay!

Following the cucumber conversation, there were a few days when Phil had to put on his caring boyfriend hat, drive over to Dan’s and give them a bit of gentle love. This time of month wasn't as bad as the last, but Phil did what he could to help by providing cuddles and hot water bottle refills.

There was something about spending time curled up with Dan under a blanket that was special to Phil. He loved them to pieces and spending time with them like this was something so comfortably intimate. While he was technically there as moral support to get them through this tough time, that didn’t stop the two of them enjoying their time together.

In those days, Phil could see Dan opening up about their body, not only in words but also in body language. He could see them gradually becoming more and more comfortable in their skin around him. Whilst he knew Dan would maybe never be completely comfortable with their body, it was clear they were trusting him more and more. Arms around their waist could now reach as high as whatever undergarment they wore without Phil needing to check first. As long as Dan had something to cover their chest, everything else was okay.

One evening, after Dan had taken a shower, they walked out of the bathroom dressed in only a towel tucked tightly under their armpits. It was only a temporary measure until they had their pyjamas, but they seemed completely comfortable around Phil like this, their posture relaxed rather than hunched over and no signs of uncertainty in their expression.

“I think you’re ‘Howell in a Towel’ now,” Phil had joked, upon seeing Dan in this. “Time for a rebrand?”

Dan laughed, reaching down to pick up their pyjamas. “I’m about to be ‘Howell in Pyjamas’, which doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, so maybe not.”

Having Phil there to lift their spirits was a big help through these difficult few days, making them a lot more manageable for Dan. Once the worst of it was over, Dan was back at work full time, being able to put this behind them until it came around again next month.

\--

The following Saturday, Phil invited Dan over for the night. The invite had innocent intentions; Phil was more than content if the two of them just got food and cuddled in front of the TV. However, from their conversation following Dan masturbating with a cucumber, he felt that sex with them was on the horizon.

Whilst this might not be the day - Dan had previously expressed being more comfortable doing this sort of thing at home - Phil wanted to be prepared. He made sure that his room was a clean, comfortable environment and checked that he had condoms and lube handy in his bedside drawer. If anything did happen, he wanted it to go smoothly.

\--

Dan arrived and the two of them ordered in some food, settling down to eat it with a film in front of them. At this point in the evening, they’d only shared a couple of small kisses and while Phil wasn’t getting any vibes that this could lead anywhere, that could definitely change.

By the end of the movie, Dan was snuggled close into Phil’s side, their legs kind of tangled together in front of them. They slowly started to climb out of the post-film haze, conversation picking up and turning playful, fingers starting to wander into a bit of a tickle fight. Dan ended up on top of Phil, eventually warding off Phil’s roaming fingers by pinning him down with a kiss.

Things became quite heated from there; Dan wasn’t afraid to show what they wanted and it soon became quite clear that Phil wanted it too. As Dan’s tongue played with Phil’s, they moved around in his lap, ground down onto his hardness. Their clothes slowly came off, first Phil’s shirt and then both of their trousers. It was something that, to an onlooker, might’ve looked quite slow, but to the two of them, it was fast and spontaneous and they just couldn’t get enough.

Now that there were only two thin layers of fabric between them, the sensations only got more intense. Phil could feel Dan’s warmth on him, maybe even a slight dampness, and  _fuck_  he was so turned on.

Dan reciprocated this by shuffling on Phil’s lap, rolling over the shape of his dick, moaning. “Ahh Phil, I want you so bad.”

Phil took this as an appropriate time to pause things for a moment. “Let’s go to my room, okay? And if you’re sure, then we can continue?”

Phil guided Dan’s legs around his waist while he got up from the sofa, needing all his strength to stand up with the added weight. It was worth it though, feeling Dan still pressed against him as he walked the two of them through to his room.

Phil set Dan down on his bed before crawling up next to them. “Dan, I want to be sure that we both know what you want before we go any further?”

“You.. all of you,” Dan said in a quite seductive tone, “I want you to plant yourself in my hole.”

Phil couldn’t help but giggle at Dan’s little analogy for a second, but he knew he had to stay somewhat sensible. It was obvious to him that Dan was a bit nervous - along with slightly inappropriately timed joke, they seemed slow and generally unsure of themself. He retrieved the condom and the lube from his bedside drawer and finished getting both of them undressed: Dan’s t-shirt, then both of their boxers. Dan kept on their sports bra, but by now that was something Phil fully understood and didn’t even have to think about. For Dan, removing that would be like removing a layer of their skin, exposing something that was, in a way, never meant to be seen.

When Dan was ready, Phil reached a hand between their legs, starting out with his fingers as a little preparation. With the natural lubrication, he was able to go very quickly from one finger to two, and then after a little longer, to three. As he moved these fingers inside Dan, he appreciated their little content noises, recognising their enthusiasm.

When Dan expressed a need for more, Phil acknowledged this and pulled his fingers out slowly, moving away to get the condom on. As he slid it down his length, he discussed positions with Dan.  _How would they be most comfortable? On their back? Riding Phil?_  They quickly settled on Dan being on their back as a good place to start. It was more relaxed and probably a good place for a beginner.

Phil slathered a little lube onto his length, having gathered from hearing about Dan’s experience with their cucumber that it would probably help. It was just a little for time being; Dan seemed fairly well lubricated already and they could always add more later if they needed it.

Phil guided himself and Dan into position, where Dan was lying back against the pillows and Phil was knelt between their legs.

Settling a hand on Dan’s upper thigh, Phil encouraged Dan to look him in the eye. “You absolutely sure on this?”

“Yes,” Dan nodded, “Please.”

“And if anything doesn’t feel right or you need to stop, let me know,” Phil reiterated.

“Of course,” Dan nodded.

Phil now brought his hand back to where he could make Dan feel good, rubbing his fingers against that spot. Dan let out a breathy little ‘nghh’ and a sigh of “C’mon, Phil.”

With that, Phil lined himself up properly, bringing his tip close to Dan’s entrance. He looked into Dan’s eyes, knowing that’s where he’d get the first sign if anything was wrong. For now, Dan’s body language was slightly nervous, but overall eager, their hands reaching out for Phil.

“Okay,” Phil said softly, moving his hands to Dan’s hips as he nudged his tip inside Dan.

\--

As Phil planted himself in Dan’s hole he discovered that inside Dan was warm and a little bit tight, and honestly the best thing he’d ever felt around his dick. He had to move slowly at first; Dan had moaned at being so full, but Phil knew they’d need time to adjust.

Phil only changed things up when Dan asked for ‘more’, or at one point ‘harder’. It was difficult for him to guess how much Dan could take; they were both new to this. Although Dan was the more uncertain of the two, Phil was a virgin too. It was a case of Phil going slow until Dan wanted things faster, the two of them working together to make it feel right.

“I don’t know if you can go more… up the way? Like towards my belly button I guess?” Dan asked Phil, gesturing at what they were meaning.

Phil tried to angle his thrust in the way Dan was suggesting. He got an immediate reaction from Dan, their body trying to pull him in further, but the angle was so awkward for him.

“Hold on,” Phil mumbled, stretching across Dan for a minute to grab the second pillow, then asking Dan to lift their hips up a little.

It took a moment for them to get settled in this new position, but now when Phil thrust into Dan, he hit exactly the spot that they wanted him to.

It only took a few moments of this before Dan was moaning, meeting some of Phil’s movements with small rolls of their hips. Along with the physical and audible reactions, Dan’s expression was one Phil could only describe as blissful. It felt brilliant for Phil too, Dan squeezing slightly around him, their legs even squeezing around his back slightly, pulling him in further.

The lead up to Dan’s orgasm was full of breathy noises and moans on almost every thrust… “Oh fuck, Phil, so good…”

When Dan came, it was a whole new experience for Phil, fucking into Dan to help them through it, feeling a sort of rushing warmth around his own length. It felt like Dan was squeezing him tightly, both with their walls and their legs trying to pull him in closer.

Phil had been close before, and feeling all this had him teetering on the edge himself. Dan told him not to stop, but thankfully all he needed were a couple more thrusts into Dan and he was coming himself, spilling inside the condom, riding out the best high of his life.

Finished and spent, Phil was struggling to hold himself up, so he slowly pulled out of Dan and collapsed next to them on the bed. He wanted to cuddle with Dan for a minute before cleaning up, so he brought his arms around them and let them snuggle into his neck.

Once Phil had somewhat caught his breath, he excused himself. “I need to go bin this condom but I’ll be back in a minute with a cloth to get you cleaned up a little.”

Phil didn’t want to leave Dan, but he knew that the sooner he got this done, the sooner he could get back to cuddling them properly.

He took himself into the bathroom, tied the condom and put it in the bin. He spent a good amount of time cleaning himself off; he was very conscious that Dan wasn’t on birth control so he didn’t want to take any chances. When he was clean himself, he got a different cloth, soaked it in some warm water, wrung it out, and took it back through to Dan.

Phil didn’t want to be invasive, so after wiping down Dan’s upper thighs, he handed the cloth to them to finish the job.

“Just want you to be comfortable,” he mumbled softly as they took the cloth and gave their parts a light brush.

“Thank you.” Dan smiled, handing the cloth back to Phil, who unceremoniously dumped it on his floor.

Phil clambered back onto the bed, laying down next to Dan and cuddling up close, pulling a blanket over both of them.

Trailing a a hand over Dan’s rosy cheek, Phil pulled them into a soft kiss, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Phil,” Dan replied, relaxing more into their cuddle.

As Dan continued to speak, Phil noticed they seemed a little thoughtful - their eyes a little glazed over, sounding almost distant - but he put it down to them just thinking through their first time.

“If there’s something on your mind, I’m here to listen?” Phil said softly.

“I’m fine,” Dan replied, yawning, “Just tired and also thinking how good that was..”

“Okay,” Phil nodded, slipping his hand around Dan’s waist now, “I’m kind of exhausted too, so shall we sleep now?”

“Mmm yeah,” Dan nodded into Phil, letting out another sleepy sigh.

Phil held Dan close as the two of them slowly drifted off to sleep. He felt warm and happy inside and he hoped that feeling was one that Dan shared. This had been a good first for both of them; he could feel that. He was sure there’d be more of this to come.

\--

What Phil didn’t know was that Dan had fallen into a restless sleep. Physically, they were out like a light, fairly still next to Phil. However, Dan’s mind was busy, filling with anxieties and not allowing them to rest properly. They were dreaming about what they’d just done with Phil, but not in a good way. It was a disorientating kind of stress dream where they felt trapped in an endless cycle of overwhelming thoughts.

Images of Phil’s dick in their mind, flashing back to the sensations - those which had been good at the time now had Dan feeling sick to the stomach. The condom… there was always a small chance that they could split, right? What if…? No, it was so unlikely, but there was a chance.

Dan woke up feeling panicky and confused. They’d enjoyed the sex at the time, but now it wasn’t sitting well at all in their mind. Slowly, they rolled out of Phil’s embrace, trying to make sense of what was going on in their brain, sitting up and rubbing the palms of their hands against their eyes.

As Dan sat up, they felt something… not quite a twinge of pain, but things felt different down there; a reminder of what they’d done. Their parts had never quite felt as sensitive as they did right now and this acted as a reminder to Dan of what they had - parts which had never felt right to them, but now they couldn’t ignore.

This onslaught of dysphoria had Dan feeling more panicky, feeling sick. They stood up from Phil’s bed and stumbled through to his bathroom, settling on the floor by the toilet where they broke down in panicked tears.

Dan had experienced enough anxiety in their life so that after a minute of crying quietly, they were able to work on their breathing to calm down a little. Telling Phil wasn’t something they wanted to do, not until they’d figured out what this meant. Dan faced the struggle of recovering alone, then eventually got up to splash some water on their face.

At this point, all that Dan wanted was to go home. Their mind wasn’t quite in the place to consider how Phil might feel waking up alone, so they decided just to write Phil a little note and leave.

_Phil,_

_I’m not saying I regret what we did (I enjoyed it), but it’s not quite sitting right with me so I need some time to think._

_Dan x_

Dan wrote the message on a sticky note which they found on Phil’s desk, and after a little deliberating, they tiptoed over to Phil’s bedside to stick it on his glasses. Dan didn’t want him to miss it and knew Phil would put on his glasses before going looking for a missing Dan.

Grabbing their stuff, Dan moved out of the room to get dressed, not wanting to have to explain themself if they woke Phil. They did feel bad about leaving, but in their current state of mind, they couldn’t comprehend staying.

Dan left Phil’s, shutting the door behind themself, locking it, and posting Phil’s keys back through the letterbox. They hoped the keys wouldn’t crash too loudly on impact with the doormat, but they cared more about keeping Phil safe.

On the drive home, Dan found themself thankful for the deserted four am roads, meaning that their lack of focus wouldn’t be too big a risk to their life. Once past the oak tree and back in their own driveway, Dan parked the van messily in the middle, for once not caring about how they left it. Without even pausing for a moment, they grabbed their overnight bag from the passenger seat and headed into their house.

Dan locked their front door behind them and dumped their things unceremoniously on the floor as they made their way to their room: first the overnight bag, then their jumper and t-shirt, then their jeans. Dan was just in underwear by the time they made it to the bathroom. They stripped of their two remaining garments and got into the shower, turning the water up hotter than usual, just wanting to feel clean, to feel normal. Things still felt a bit damp and sticky down there and Dan didn’t want a reminder of that right now.

As the water washed over their body, the tears started to fall, getting lost in the droplets from the shower. Dan didn’t really know what they were crying over, feeling too overwhelmed to even think about it. They just knew that crying in the shower was like crying in the rain: it felt right, in a way, to drown their sorrows, to wash them down the drain.

It was when the exhaustion hit Dan that they got out of the shower, rubbing themself dry with a towel before climbing into bed. They grabbed their fluffiest blanket and pulled it close, trying to put the thoughts of sex out of their head. In the end, it didn’t work out, and Dan ended up crying themself to sleep, the tears contributing to the dampness from their hair that already lingered on the pillow.

\--

Sunday was a weird day for Dan - part of them didn’t want to get out of bed, but they knew that in reality getting stuck into their work was the best plan. In the garden, Dan could walk thoughtfully behind the lawnmower, could do a bit of weeding and tidy up the flowerbeds as they organised the thoughts in their brain. It was a good place for thinking. They technically had the weekend free from work, but for Dan that just meant enjoying their own garden instead. Maybe today they’d take the blowtorch to the weeds growing through the gaps in their patio. Those always frustrated Dan, so maybe clearing their patio would help them clear their mind.

Dan had a good breakfast, put on some gardening clothes, left their phone in the utility room and headed outside to burn weeds. In the end, they took the blowtorch around the entirety of the garden, sizzling all of the little nuisances that popped up between slabs and pavers and gravel. It was a satisfying job to get done, but Dan quickly moved onto another, deciding to cut back some summer plants which had finished for the year. By the time it got to lunchtime, Dan had gotten a lot done and was ready to sit down for a little break.

They changed into some clean clothes in their utility room, so as not to trail dirt through their house. Once in the kitchen, Dan made themself a big sandwich and it was only when they sat down to eat that they finally took a look at their phone.

Dan had three missed calls from Phil, something which they didn’t quite know how to deal with right now. They needed time to think. They’d got a little thinking done this morning, but all that they’d established is that they maybe weren’t quite ready for sex. However, there was still a big lingering ‘Why?’ Dan didn’t want to say anything until they understood it themself and they hoped Phil would understand that; to make sure, they shot him a little message.

_I need to think things over before I can explain to you. I guess I just wasn’t as ready as I thought? I’m sorry for leaving you but I promise I’ll message when I’m ready to talk. Love you <3_

Dan took a couple of deep breaths as they watched the three dots of Phil typing. In the end, the message they received was short for the amount of time Phil had put into it.

_I don’t know if I can help you figure this out, but don’t keep it all in - talk to Louise maybe?_

Dan nodded to themself, appreciating this suggestion, but knowing they were really the only one who could figure out what was going on in their brain.

_Thank you, but I think I need to figure this out on my own_

That marked the end of that conversation; Dan felt a little better having told Phil what they knew, but in general, they still felt awful about it. Dan would have a lot more thinking to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 10 days? Hopefully I wont be a week late next time. Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


	11. Every Rose Has Its Thorn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still trying to get back on track with writing and posting. This chapter has been done a while, but I was trying to get a little further ahead before posting. Thank you so much Katie [@knlalla](https://knlalla.tumblr.com/) for betaing this!

Phil didn’t understand why Dan left. It hurt to wake up the morning after and realise that Dan wasn’t next to him. The sticky note gave him a little peace of mind, that at least Dan had somewhat enjoyed it, but he couldn’t help but feel bad about it not sitting right with them. He wanted to know what hadn’t been right, why Dan didn’t feel they could wake him up and talk about it, why they’d felt that the best thing was just to walk away from the situation.

Phil had spent his morning trying to call Dan, hoping for at least a smidgen more of an explanation. He spaced the calls out a little bit, in case Dan was actually busy, but by the third attempt, he was starting to feel ignored. When Dan finally broke the silence with a text, he had a moment of relief - well, at least until he read it.

Dan claimed to be unable to explain right now, other than they felt they maybe hadn’t been as ready as they thought. Phil wished he could just talk it through with them, that maybe Dan might be able to understand their feelings with a little bit of prompting and a supportive hand on their back. Dan’s solution seemed to be radio silence: that they didn’t want to talk until they felt ready. Phil respected that, knowing that different people had different ways of dealing with things, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. The little ‘Love you <3’ at the end made him feel somewhat better, but he couldn’t help but think about how casual it was, couldn’t help but wonder if Dan really meant it.

\--

Monday rolled around, as it does after Sunday, and the two of them hadn’t exchanged another word. Dan wanted their time to think alone, so Phil was going to let them have it. He and Thor took a different route for their walk, turning left out of Phil’s gate rather than right, taking them a way that would avoid the garden where Dan worked altogether.

Phil’s walk was a thoughtful one; he knew his way around town, but he felt a little lost mentally. It wasn’t the same, walking this way, not stopping to admire the garden, not stopping to talk to Dan - the brown haired curly person that had captured his attention so well that first day. Phil missed them, which felt a little silly as he just saw them on Saturday, but there was something about the situation that left a panging ache in his chest, an almost choking feeling in his throat as he worried about what the future might be for them. Phil didn’t realise how much he’d zoned out until he felt the tug of Thor stopped behind him, no longer walking by his side. He blinked his way out of his bubble and turned around to see Thor doing his business by the base of a lamppost. Muscle memory took his hand into his pocket for a poo bag and he barely even noticed the smell as he bent down to pick it up.

As the two continued on, Phil slowly started to realise how much Thor was guiding him, giving his leg a little nudge as they approached a bin, occasionally slowing down and tugging back on the lead a little when there was a crossing approaching. Phil felt the choking feeling in his throat grow as he realised that Thor was trying to look after him, that his doggy best friend had picked up on his sadness.

\--

Dan was having a rough morning at work. For a start, they’d overslept, having kept themself awake the night before by thinking about sex with Phil and what it was that felt so wrong. Was it their own issues with their body? But they hadn’t felt too self-conscious at the time. Was it the nakedness? The penetration? Did Dan have some underlying anxiety issue that was making them feel sick at the thought of last night? They’d felt okay at the time, but maybe they’d just been too lost in the moment, lost in the pleasure, to realise that something was wrong.

Dan had arrived at work late, with a probably inadequate breakfast in their stomach. They’d gone for their usual prowl around the garden to see what needed to be done, as there wasn’t anything that they’d made a note of the previous week. It turned out that the pyracantha hedge under the window of Sheila’s dining room was getting a little unruly. It was probably his least favourite hegde, with its needle like thorns that seemed insistent on planting themselves in Dan’s body. Its flowers and berries looked pretty through the summer, but it was honestly a bit of a nightmare to look after when they had to keep it below the height of the window. Dan had put it off last week, and now they wished they hadn’t. They had enough inner turmoil without adding a layer of pain.

Between the pyracantha and the rosebush that followed, Dan was feeling a bit abused. Their gloves, which had once been thick and protective, had now worn thin enough that the thorns could start to poke through. In addition, there were always a few that managed to lodge themselves in Dan’s arms; usually a minor annoyance, but today it just piled up on top of everything else. Dan managed to stop the bleeding with plasters, but he wished there was some sort of repair patch he could slap on to stop the whirring in his brain.

Dan had never quite decided if they were hoping for Phil to appear or not. They still didn’t want to talk, but part of them wanted to see him. In the end, Dan’s morning felt strangely lonely, and he wished Phil had chosen to make an appearance after all.

Dan ate their lunch in their van and thought about Phil, now starting to wonder how he was feeling. Had they been too harsh? Would Phil understand? They felt a gnawing feeling in their stomach, one that wasn’t eased by finishing their sandwich. Was it worry? Or guilt? Or some kind of anxiety about seeing Phil again?

The afternoon decided to rain; Dan had forgotten their coat, but decided to work on anyway, feeling miserable enough that the rain somehow felt right. They could shower when they got home, so it wasn’t a big deal. With the rain hitting the ground beside them, slowly soaking their hair and running down their face, Dan picked weeds, tidied up a couple of small bushes with his secateurs and dejectedly dug up a plant which they’d now concluded was dead.

Dan finished their day by laying the dead plant on the compost heap, mourning its loss, but also thinking about the sadness which it could represent. It seemed ironic that today of all days, when Dan was feeling down, they’d have to deal with the death of one of their beloved shrubs. A few tears rolled down their face as they packed up to go home; all they wanted now was a hot shower, a hot drink, and time to curl up in bed and cry.

Dan took a few deep breaths, dried their eyes and drove themself home. They had to put a couple of things away first, but they did the bare minimum before going inside, immediately heading to the bathroom to strip of their water-logged muddy clothes and get under a nice hot shower.

The small cuts on their hands from the pyracantha and the roses stung as the hot water hit them, as Dan got shampoo in them, as Dan ran their hands through the rough texture of their hair. The sting was like a bitter taste in their mouth after a long day, a lingering reminder of the unpleasant.

Dan showered until they felt warm enough and dried off with a towel, trying not to think about the last time Phil was here, about the joke he made.

“Howell in a Towel,” Phil had exclaimed, a small chuckle at his little play on words.

Dan felt choked up thinking about that. It had only been a few days ago, but now it felt like a nostalgic memory from their past, one they wanted to go back to and experience once more.

Dan, wrapped in their towel, went to their kitchen to make tea, then returned to their room to curl up in their bed and sip on the warm drink. As they finished the tea, they felt more tears welling in their eyes. Dan then laid the mug to rest on their bedside table and curled up under their fluffiest blanket, letting the tears fall onto their pillow.

As exhaustion overtook their body, the tears dripped into their dreams, forming rose petals that fell from their eyes onto some muddy ground below. Dream Dan had a rosebush in front of them and they were cutting it back, but with bare hands, the thorns stabbing directly into their skin, drawing blood, which then dripped down to join the falling petals on the muddy ground beneath.

Dan continued to sleep, but it was a disturbed nap full of pain and thorny roses. When they woke about dinnertime, starving, they still felt tired and a bit sore. Dan managed to drag themself out of bed to get some food on; they couldn’t really be bothered, but they knew food, even if it was only a microwave meal, would help them feel better.

As Dan’s box of pasta heated, they took to their laptop to look up the meaning thorny roses in dreams. It wasn’t something Dan would usually do, but when it was something as close to their heart as flowers, they were interested in the potential meaning. Everyone knew that roses were a symbol of love, and, well, that was something Dan was struggling with at the moment. They knew they still loved Phil, but they were still trying to comprehend their feelings around sex.

As Dan opened up a page about roses in dreams and scrolled down to the section about thorny roses, they discovered that they represented difficulties in one’s personal relationship, that you’d have a prickly situation to overcome. In a metaphorical sense, one had to pass the thorns to get to the flowers; if they got past this difficulty, they could have the good things once more.

Dan knew they wanted to fix things with Phil, and for that they needed to work out their feelings, or at least accept that they didn’t quite understand them. Dan had come to terms with the fact that they weren’t quite ready for sex, but maybe they didn’t quite need to understand why, maybe that would come with time.

Fed up of the time away from Phil, that they’d felt they needed to think, Dan realised it was really up to them to get back in touch, to say to Phil that they didn’t want this silence any longer. As Dan ate their pasta, they thought about what to say to Phil. They needed to explain that they hadn’t exactly figured out their feelings, but they didn’t want to be alone anymore. Dan had realised that Phil was right after all, that talking it through with him would help, and Dan wanted to do that.

When they’d finished their dinner, Dan picked up the phone and dialled Phil, thinking that it would be a good time, but after several rings and the call going to voicemail, Dan realised that maybe it wasn’t. Either Phil was busy or giving Dan the silent treatment in return.

Dan could’ve waited a while and tried to call again, but they took the easier option and wrote out a text, explaining to Phil what they wanted to say now.

_Hey, I just wanna say how sorry I am for leaving you that night and not staying to talk it over with you. I’ve realised I wasn’t ready for sex and I still don’t quite know why, but I’m not dealing with this well alone and I’ve realised it would be best to talk to you after all. I’m ready to talk to you about it if you still feel like speaking to me? Maybe give me a call when you’ve got time?_

\--

It was a few hours before Phil replied, just after midnight. Dan was starting to think about getting ready for bed, but maybe they could talk to Phil first?

_I’ve taken a week off work and I’m up North seeing my family. I won’t be home until Sunday, so I probably won’t be able to see you until Monday morning. Try and get through this week and I promise we’ll talk properly in person, but if you need me we can talk on the phone - I can’t tonight because my parents have gone to bed, but maybe tomorrow?_

Dan felt tears welling in their eyes on reading Phil’s reply; they couldn’t see him for a week, couldn’t talk properly until then.

_I’ve had a rough day today, so I guess the rest of the week can’t be much worse. Talking tomorrow would be good_

Dan sent this rather brief reply and waited, seeing that Phil was typing.

_I love you - do your best for me and remember that you should take time off if you need to <3_

Dan felt a hint of a smile at Phil’s caring words, but couldn’t bring themself to send much more than a thank you and a bit of love in response. It was going to be a tough week, so they needed to get to bed and get some sleep.

\--

The week that followed was one full of waiting and anxieties, at least for Dan. No day was as bad as Monday, but it was all rather lonely.

Talking on the phone with Phil on Tuesday had helped a lot. Hearing his voice calmed Dan down a little and it was relieving to hear that Phil still wanted to be with them despite Dan’s disappearance; it felt good to know that Phil still had faith in them. That conversation had been a good hour of consolation and reassurance, something which Dan needed more than anything.

The conversation with Phil had got them through the next couple of days, but by Friday, Dan was struggling again - with the loneliness, with their body, with a longing to be in Phil's arms. Another call and another long conversation followed, where Phil reassured Dan that they would see each other on Monday and that everything would be okay.

So Dan just had to survive the weekend and then they could fall back on Phil. Listening to him talk was soothing, reminding Dan that they would see Phil soon and that was something to look forward to.

“I figured if you were needing space that this was a good time to go see my parents, I guess I wasn’t expecting you to come around so soon. Now I’m wishing I could be there with you… but I will be soon, and I promise that I’m okay with your stance on things,” Phil told Dan as the two of them started to round off their conversation.

Dan was starting to accept that they couldn’t always be the perfect partner and voiced their understanding of this to Phil. “It’s okay… uhh, thank you for being here for me… and helping me to realise that I’m not perfect… like in terms of our relationship.”

“Dan, you feel perfect for me,” Phil told them softly. “But everything you feel is okay, it’s valid; it’s fine that you’re not ready for sex, and it’s fine if you never are.”

Dan felt themself getting a little tearful at Phil’s words and realised as they uttered a ‘thank you’ that this would be obvious to Phil.

“Dan,” Phil murmured softly, “you’re getting a hug as soon as I see you, so prepare for that.”

“I look forward to it,” Dan replied, trying to find strength in their voice again.

Eventually, Phil had to go because his parents were heading to bed and he didn’t want to keep them up by talking - but by this point, Dan was feeling a lot better about things, with the positivity in their mind that came with the promise of seeing Phil on Monday.

Once they’d ended the call, Dan was able to go to bed with their heart feeling warm, their thoughts full of this Phil-induced positivity. As Dan lay there, about to go to sleep, they were thinking about the idea of perfection, and how nothing or no one is completely perfect, how nothing is without its flaws, how, to quote the popular saying that Dan was starting to relate to on a personal level, “Every rose has its thorn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting schedule is approximately every 2-3 weeks? Feel free to come follow me on tumblr [@philsdrill](https://philsdrill.tumblr.com/).


End file.
